it must be...

wow... it just seemed to hit me today that hopefully by year end I will be relocating to Washington DC... So far I have applied for 14 jobs - 8 at Boeing and 6 at Lockheed-Martin... I am really shooting for a Boeing position... One perk is discount airfare! Making it easier to go to SWLF or SPLF... so many good things will come out of this move... Mom and Dad will be selling the house here and moving to the DC area also... we are talking Duplex or my owning the house and mom & dad helping with the mortgage... I kind of like the first idea myself.... I would prefer my own place... but there is still a lot of things to happen before we get to that point.

On a personal level... I went back to meditating this morning... change of times is no good and going without doesn't work either... I returned to using guided meditations in hope to spark something that speaks to me... I have also been sleeping in a bit... I get up around 5:30am to 6am... It shortend my morning routine but that's ok... as long as I get back on track spiritually and physically...

I went for my flu shot today... no big deal... went to a walk in clinic... didn't have to pay there... The cost of those things is just unbelievable!!! What a rip off... and especially when they don't work on the majority of the flu strains... a total waste of money!!!

Oh well enough bitching for today!

Civility 101

why can't we just live and let live? is that so hard? when it comes to a point that groups are hurt and people are hurt and leave... then there is an issue... right? but that is so easy to say... I have to admit that back when I was a newbie and didn't know any better... I too was uncivil during a break up... but I learned... it was hard... but I learned how to step into the other persons shoes and see the issue from their side... it's hard to get ride of the "I have to be the right one in this" attitude... Ego... seems to be where it all lies... drop the ego and ask why... then remember that the only one you can take ownership of and change is yourself... then move on... live and let live!

hmmm ... Might Rain!

looks like we are going to get some rain... today, tonight, tomorrow, tomorrow night, Sunday, Sunday night... then tropical storm Kev might visit! Things are quieting down now and looking real good... this week has been busy just trying to get the computer up and running and the business stuff back on track. Next week should be a real good week... I'm hoping friday to do a day trip to the lodge up north... but again that will depend on funerals and the weather...

Got a lead on a cool job just outside of DC... I'm going to look into it and see what it's all about... the plan would be to sell this house for what we can get ... and we would all move south... we could stay with anne and steve until a small house is purchased for mom & dad... after a while I would get my own apartment and go from there... I could even pick up a few printing jobs to do on the side... it would be great to be only 4 hours from Master and slave barb... visits would work much easier!
So that would be the plan but it wouldn't happen till next year... that's when this job opens...

so we'll see what comes of the application process...

Going to enjoy some quiet time tonight... soft music and a blue candle.... hmmm... my idea of an evening!

A Beautiful Fall Day!

Today was a great day for apple picking... we left the house around 10:30am and got home around 2pm... the drive was to Kents hill orchard... right across the street from Kents Hill Academy... up in the mountains of Maine... we picked Macintosh and Cortlands about 100 lbs of apples.... yummy!
It looks like we decided on a good day to go... rain is coming in tonight and will end some time Sunday... they say between 2 and 4 inches... yippy skippy... I have a funeral Saturday morning ... with the rain there won't be a whole log of people... the same will hold true for 4pm Mass...

I seem to be falling into a medatation funk... The relaxed, clearheaded feeling that I used to come out with is no more and I'm not sure why... I will be emailing MB to see if he has any suggestions to why and how to get out of it.... maybe just taking a break from it for a while...

The computer is running great but work is slow... still... I have a meeting scheduled for next week with the Pastor to find out about working at Our Lady of the Rosary... will keep you all posted...

It's been a couple of days!

ok...ok... I know... it's been a few days.... but getting a computer back up and running is no fun... but it sure is now! This thing is AMAZING!!!


There she is... the Dell XPS M1730 17" Monitor... with my 500gig external to the left... everything is finally loaded on and it's up and operational... I've never played with such power as this thing has...

Ok enough about the computer... I'm doing ok... today is the best I've felt in a few days... but the awkward sleeping pattern has got me perplexed... up until 2am is not a good thing!

Going Apple picking tomorrow... yummy... fresh Macs and Cortlands...

Autumn Day 1

Yup... 11:44 am this morning started the fall season! It was a beautiful fall day so it was outside to do the yard work and begin getting things ready for winter. We moved the wigelia from the rose bed to a new bed in the back of the house... it will be much happier there... in its place we put a miniature yellow rose... that bed will be a blaze of color when they come in bloom next year!

The color of the leaves has started to change... this year will be a glorious display I will be taking many picture for your viewing pleasure!

My plans to go to the lodge on Friday have been scrapped... instead I have a funeral to play ... and the rain coming in doesn't help either! Oh well... I'll try again later!

It's official...

I'm 43 Years old today... woohoo... it's another day... I don't get all freaked out over birthdays... it's a day in the life of... nothing more... I did some work this morning but that was it... I did some reading and am now blogging so I can make it an early night... Still no computer... I should get it tomorrow or tuesday at the very latest... They are pretty good at getting things hear early...

As for doing something for me for my birthday... I may just do a day trip next friday to the lodge... a lot will depend on the weather...

so off to relax!

It's still on the way....

My last day at the age of 42... tomorrow starts a new year in the life of... ME! It's a good time to stop and look around at where I am these days... definitely not where I was planning last year on being that's for sure... I was hoping to be in CA serving 24/7 with Master Cage... I review I'm glad that didn't work out... it was for the best... In looking at this year I find myself in a much better place... serving two wonderful people 24/7 but distant... that's the only draw back... but I have come to look at this is the time to learn about myself and how to serve... It is also the perfect time to learn who Master Larry is and what makes him tick so that I can better serve his needs... it is also a time that I can enjoy the knowledge that I have a slave sister right there by my side... to help, to hold, to mentor... and what a great job and person she is!... hugs slave sis!

Today I received a package in the mail from Master and slave barb... a great book called "Dharma Punx" ... funny how things work out... I almost purchased this book last week... but then the computer died... so that came first... and today I am presented with the book... the Universe has a great way of doing what needs to be done.... The book came with a great card and an order to enjoy myself tomorrow... I promise that I will... I would never willfully disobey Master... I'm not sure what tomorrow holds but time will tell!

So I lift my glass of water and wish everyone another great year!

It's on it's way!!!

WOOHOO! Got an email this morning that at 12:00am the laptop was shipped from Tenn. ...so that means in 2 to 5 days I'll have my new toy! what a birthday present!

This has been a busy week... a lot of work at church... a lot of work at home... a lot of work outside... just a lot of work... but this weekend I promise to do nothing... (unless my computer gets here... but that's different!)

Brrrr...

Ok... starting to get cold... we are having a "frost" tonight... so that means the tomatoes get covered everything gets watered and the plants on the porch get moved inside... it's always a sign that fall is here to stay... which in turns means the snow is not far away... but before we get that far we have apple picking to do... most likely around the first weekend of October... the apples will be at their peek then... yummy!!!

The church is clean - finally!!! it's just too bad the pastor won't even notice it or even say thank you... it really sucks! but that is the way he is!

Nothing else is going on... it's been quiet...

Who am I ... continued

As I look back at my relatives, especially those 8 to 14 generations back I see many that serve... not as slaves but as servants to the needs of the people... priests, carpenters, farmers and civil servants of many different forms... I wonder if that was where my inbreaded need to give to others and serve a Master comes from? It amazes me to think that when my earliest ancestor that we have was born Christopher Columbus was still on his way to what is now our homeland... just think... Joseph Bedards father could have helped build one of those ships... what a thought...

Looking back seems to give me the drive to do more ... to serve the best I can... to leave my legacy amonst the archives of the Bedard family tree...

Who am I?

I took some time today to center... to find that place of Zen that I love so much. Finding that place and the big time surprise I got last night led me to wonder "Who am I?"...

Last night I received an email from a friend who is also a genealogist... This email brought me to a database of names that in some way linked to each other... We had our "BEDARD" side back to 1616 when Isaac Bedard arrived in Canada... but we were up against a wall going further back... but this site broke that wall and added 4 generations bringing us back to 18 generations with the oldest being born in 1496 in France... OMG!!! can you believe that!!! I was so psyched!

Todays centering brought about a question of Who Am I... and so the question remains...

Dog Tired!

Literally! It was a bear of a day... up early... meditation time, exercise time then a quick breakfast... it is such a great day why not get the lawns done... ok... completed that at 1pm... then off to church to help clean the big outside windows... finished that at 3pm then picked up a family friend for dinner and now I'm here! ... dog tired! but it's a good tired...

I enjoy the work... ok... that sounds weird... but yes I like the service... I like the work... and yes... I get off on it...

15 days to the new computer!

The weekend is here!

But where did the week go? It seems to go by so fast these days... and yet I sit here time after time wishing the month away in order to get my new computer sooner... we're never satisfied... we had ovens and stoves... not fast enough... now we have microwaves... not fast enough??? and still we complain... WHAT? 2 minutes to heat my tea water??? WHAT?? 30 seconds to warm my muffin??? ARGH!!! I just don't have the time for this anymore!... don't we all say things like that? So what can we do to just slow down and see what we are missing? what about make some bread with the one you love? take some time together to kneed the dough... let's just slow down for a bit and see what happens....

hmmm...

I'm looking forward to getting my new computer and being able to blog in the quiet... It goes to show how we are all creatures of habit... after dinner and clean up I usually come up to my room, light my candles, quiet my mind, and blog... but with no computer in my room I still light my candles but then have to leave my room to blog... only to be faced with a tv that is on...leaving me with a "monkey mind" and hard to focus.

I may take some time tonight to recenter, refocus where am and what I am willing to do.

Now it's time to prep for a funeral at 9am...

of all days...

Today was the first day without my laptop... and also the day that I meet with the lawyer about the business division... in short... the split is done and the computer worked out well (got all my work done!) besides that my day was quite uneventful! lol... I had a chance to read some Shakespeare... my favorite sonnets:

Sonnet 57 Being your slave, what should I do but tend Upon the hours and times of your desire? I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor services to do, till you require. Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you, Nor think the bitterness of absence sour When you have bid your servant once adieu; Nor dare I question with my jealous thought Where you may be, or your affairs suppose, But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought Save, where you are how happy you make those. So true a fool is love that in your will, Though you do any thing, he thinks no ill.

Sonnet 58 That god forbid that made me first your slave, I should in thought control your times of pleasure, Or at your hand the account of hours to crave, Being your vassal, bound to stay your leisure! O, let me suffer, being at your beck, The imprison'd absence of your liberty; And patience, tame to sufferance, bide each check, Without accusing you of injury. Be where you list, your charter is so strong That you yourself may privilege your time To what you will; to you it doth belong Yourself to pardon of self-doing crime. I am to wait, though waiting so be hell; Not blame your pleasure, be it ill or well.

So off to relax!

What a day!

OMG... yes WHAT A DAY is the best way to explain it... it actually started last night... I finally got my computer to charge the battery (too much to get into here... just say that's been going on for some time!) so I laid down to read while it charged... woke up at 6:30 this morning to a blank screen and no blinking lights... oh crap! (not what I actually said...) yup... during the night something shifted and the battery stopped charging and it re-drained the battery... so after about two hours trying to get it started it did... long enough to boot up... then shut down again... now I'm getting real mad! So I started to look things over... and found the female receptacle (where you plug the power pack into was broken and in no shape to be fixed... So now what... well when I bought my Dell I applied for and got a $1500.00 loc... but that was in 2003... 5 years later I find that that account was closed for inactivity... so online I go (on moms computer) at start browsing with Dell... got on the phone and reapplied and was granted a $3000.00 loc... so I bought me a new XPS M1730 - 2 gig Ram, 160 gig HD, NVidia Geforce 8700MGT video, dual processor, Lo-Jack, 4 year warranty, 17" widescreen, CD/DVD +/- RW, Wireless Internet, bluetooth and a $70.00 Gift card to be used before 12-30-08... Whew! and all for only $2700.00!!! looks like travel will be nill to none until that is paid off!!! But I can't complain the old Dell served me well... OH! and did you ask if I lost anything???? well in fact no I didn't... I also purchased a Daisy cable... what is that you ask? when I get it all I have to do is remove my HD from the old Dell, insert it into this little box put the cover on and plug the other end into a USB port and boom there ya go... instant external drive... I will then be able to access everything on the drive!!! TOTALLY AMAZING!!! I will be able to move all my "stuff" over... Whew!

Catharsis - a healing

Have you ever felt so much pain that it just opens your floodgates of emotion? I have ... again! What a wonderful liberating feeling... but is it the answer? is it how emotions should be handled? What are the health issues of having stress, emotions and everything else tucked deep inside to a point that a cathartic evening (yes, canes, whips, floggers, leather straps) is the only thing that will set everything free? So many questions... so few answers

Tired, Tired, Tired!!!

up this morning at 6am... that's because I didn't get to sleep till 2am... just couldn't get comfy... out of the house at 7:15 to be in sabattus for 8am... got set up, woke Master at 8:20am... yup 10 minutes early... but I had no choice - Thank the Universe I have an understanding Master... :)
finished the funeral and hit the road at 10 was home at 10:35... a quick PBF (peanutbutter & fluff) with a glass of milk... then to church for a 1pm wedding... done at 2pm cleaned up and set up for 4pm mass... all this with a sore throat... A nice cup of hot tea eased the hurt!...

Other news... Dad won't be getting a new hip in the near future... more on this later...

out of kilter

I'm off my mark today... not fully with it... I'm not sure what's up but I do have a feeling of what it may be. I have a major day tomorrow... 9am funeral (get there at 8am) - 40 miles away, finish at 10am drive home... quick lunch and clean up for a 1pm wedding (need to be there at 11:45 to open up the church... finish wedding at 2pm - change everything over and set up for 4pm mass... finish up at 5pm and go home to drop... all with a sore throat... (it's doing better tonight)... Tomorrow I leave at 9am to drive north for an overnight play/service time... I'm looking forward to that! I've already decided that the remained of Monday and Tuesday will be for me to get back on my feet... Why - you ask? Wednesday will be spent mostly at the lawyers office with Steve selling part of my business... ARGH!!!!

Back to being down... I feel like it's a distance thing... today being Masters birthday ... I would love to be there to serve him in person... the things I could have done for him... for them... a romantic gourmet dinner... birthday cake... gifts... service... if only I was there... ... ... but I know I'm needed here and that IS service to him... maybe some quiet time alone with his candle lit... may our spirits be one.

WOW

This has been one crazy day! 4 meetings one after the other... then cleaned the basement... up... vacuumed and all... no more spiders and cobwebs... and plenty of space no to play and exercise... woohoo!
It also gave me a good chance to think about a post that slave ziggy put on Fetlife... speaking about dynamics... and what kind of dynamics are in different relationships...
hmmm... Does our relationship have a dynamic? right now... no... it's still too early... I think that we are on the road to a having a dynamic... but what that is I don't know yet...
Something else that came up was from a post of sw... I know what my heart says... but when will I be tested to prove my surrender... will I be asked to jump for Master? When will that be? do I have a choise in that? what can I do to prove that to him?

It's been a busy but contemplative day...

Where things are...

Ever just sit back and wonder why things are the way they are or where they currently are? i had a chance to sift through a lot of dirt not long ago and was pleased to find what could be an ancient arrow... I often look at it and wonder where it came from and who dropped it there... it makes me stop and think of our ancestors and even the leather folk that came before us... the struggles the fights, the victories... The legacies that we try to live up to... What a wonderful thing to belong to a leather family with history... both good and bad but history none-the-less...

As I read others blogs I find that this is a time to remember family and what they mean to us as individuals...

hmmm just a good night to reminisce!

Compulsive . Control . Disorder .

As I glance through my calendar I am coming to the realization that I'm way to busy... not with work or serving Master or doing the things I need to be doing... but with a bunch of other... for lack of a better word - Crap! Things like needing to be anal about my cloth closet... for those of you that really know me know that I like order in my life... so yes.. my shirts are all hung (tank tops included) in descending order of color light to dark... pants are straight hung in the same order light to dark... then comes leather - pants, vest, harnesses, cuffs, belts... and lastly my kilt... shoes are lined up by usage... least to most... everything has a place... so WHY??? why do I need to take time to make sure this is done that way? My books, CDs, and DVDs are the same... grouped by genre, then alphabetized... Do i need it that way? No.. but when I need something it's right there at my finger tips...
Have I carried this over to my service? most definitely... a good example, yesterday Master emailed me a project... find a free kinsey test... so googled kinsey test, free and there it was... then another assignment email and/or phone # to the IFBB... google again... boom theres the homepage for the IFBB... a few pages later... there's the email! (god I love google!) ... I think Master was a bit surprised but I mastered google to the point that I can locate almost anything... and it's great...
But I've also looked back in my life and have come to recognize that the order I need in my life is part of who I am... take that away and I loose grip... or is it more that I am afraid to fail my Master and ultimately myself?