It's been a while... processing tends to be an unexact science, there is no telling just how long it will take.
This past weekend served to prove something I've been feeling over the past few weeks. This weekend I was able to spend quite a bit of time with slave henry. During the movie we watched in the slave session I sat in one of the easy chairs with henry at my feet... he moved my leg to wrap his body and placed his head on my lap, I took the time to caress his head and shoulders and just be there for him as he was for me. We spent the majority of time in that embrace as we watched the shows. Nothing more than that happened but I realized that indeed my life has been empty since my ex and I separated ways. I guess that is what I see missing in my current relationship with Master. while the service part of my being is fulfilled beyond imagination the other side... the emotional connection side just isn't there. I can't blame him and I understand why it is. But I am still left empty.
I have been chatting with a guy in Alexandria. Ric, 49 years old, not in to the M/s thing (as he put it) but is supportive of my need to be a slave in my day to day life. I'm actually glad he isn't in the life because it will be easier to keep the two separated... Master will be Master and boyfriend will be boyfriend... if that happens.
Master Jake mentioned that he hasn't forgotten about our chat and definately wants to continue it. I took the liberty to ask him for a play date down the road... I'm sure he will request this through Master first which is fine with me. I'd really like to see slave chris, slave matt, Master jake and myself get together on a monthly basis to do Tai Chi or whatever form of Martial arts it works out to be... and maybe even work on smaller groups more local. It seems that the Martial Arts movement lends itself to the focus and structure that compliments the M/s relationship... not to mention the zen and mindfulness that is instilled in the practice.
Well I guess that is enough for now it's time for work...
Monday, November 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
10/13/2010
A really good class last night and a great topic!
I sat there during the class thinking how much I'm missing the "contact" and headspace that I had with M Larry and some of the other M's that I've served. Even though I didn't get a response from M Larry I knew that he had the opportunity to read the text message that I sent in the morning, noon and night. It kept me in that headspace that place of knowing that Master was there and it was him that I served day in and day out...
I thought a lot last night on the way home about writing this blog/communication to express a desire to return to that... ok maybe not to the three times a day routine that I was in... but maybe a mid day text or email to say "hi" and to let you know where I'm at on that particular day. It would also open some communication when you are away.
When Master David asked us to do that little exercise I mentioned how important that greating time was to me, and how not being there all the time it became even more special and important to me... Unlike sl david and sl matt I don't have a mantra or daily connection time to keep me connected and centered... and yes I know that I'm not your slave and you are under no obligation to accept this proposal along with the fact that you are not real big on texting... but it is something to discuss or work on in the near future...
sp
I sat there during the class thinking how much I'm missing the "contact" and headspace that I had with M Larry and some of the other M's that I've served. Even though I didn't get a response from M Larry I knew that he had the opportunity to read the text message that I sent in the morning, noon and night. It kept me in that headspace that place of knowing that Master was there and it was him that I served day in and day out...
I thought a lot last night on the way home about writing this blog/communication to express a desire to return to that... ok maybe not to the three times a day routine that I was in... but maybe a mid day text or email to say "hi" and to let you know where I'm at on that particular day. It would also open some communication when you are away.
When Master David asked us to do that little exercise I mentioned how important that greating time was to me, and how not being there all the time it became even more special and important to me... Unlike sl david and sl matt I don't have a mantra or daily connection time to keep me connected and centered... and yes I know that I'm not your slave and you are under no obligation to accept this proposal along with the fact that you are not real big on texting... but it is something to discuss or work on in the near future...
sp
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
10/12/10
"What do I want?"
I've been asked that question so many times and have had answers in my head but have never sat down and written them out... so here goes!
In life:
In today's society we are supposed to be in a good career, make good money and be successful. For me that is not important. I make enough to be comfortable, I have a small savings account that allows me the little extras I like ... that make me happy. My job is fun and the people are great. So being content is a big plus.
In Health:
I am alive and not in pain... what more can I ask for? OK so I'm not the picture of perfect health... I wasn't made that way. I was made to have challenges. Being a diabetic offers that. The point I believe is that I take care of myself... I eat well and exercise - I don't smoke, do drugs or abuse my body... I am at peace with that.
In Religion:
This becomes a sore topic on the home front! I was born and raised in a Catholic household. But never accepted in my religion... let's face it gays are not accepted openly in a lot of places. But my faith is strong. Master Steve has guided me to Buddhism. A simple straight forward faith. Be true to yourself and to those around you... be who you are! I consider myself a Christian Buddhist and happy with that choise.
In Relationship:
What I want used to be clearly defined as to what I want in a partner. I still find myself longing for that closeness but sway rapidly when I am centered on my slavery. It confuses me sometimes to the point that I opt to have nothing. All the while knowing in my heart that I need someone.
In a Master:
What I want mostly is someone to lead me on my journey. Someone that is willing while on this journey to accept what I am willing to give him. Someone that will accept the service I can give, someone that will accept my heart. A play-partner, someone that will learn to read my movement and allow our time together to be a dance of energy, someone that will allow a deep heart-fealt connection to happen. Someone that will touch the depths of my soul and only ask for me to grow.
In my slavery:
I set my standards very high when it comes to what I want... I want only the best. I want that connection, I want that love, I want that peace, I want the knowledge of the ages, I want it all and know that I will only get what I am willing to give... so I give everything.
I've been asked that question so many times and have had answers in my head but have never sat down and written them out... so here goes!
In life:
In today's society we are supposed to be in a good career, make good money and be successful. For me that is not important. I make enough to be comfortable, I have a small savings account that allows me the little extras I like ... that make me happy. My job is fun and the people are great. So being content is a big plus.
In Health:
I am alive and not in pain... what more can I ask for? OK so I'm not the picture of perfect health... I wasn't made that way. I was made to have challenges. Being a diabetic offers that. The point I believe is that I take care of myself... I eat well and exercise - I don't smoke, do drugs or abuse my body... I am at peace with that.
In Religion:
This becomes a sore topic on the home front! I was born and raised in a Catholic household. But never accepted in my religion... let's face it gays are not accepted openly in a lot of places. But my faith is strong. Master Steve has guided me to Buddhism. A simple straight forward faith. Be true to yourself and to those around you... be who you are! I consider myself a Christian Buddhist and happy with that choise.
In Relationship:
What I want used to be clearly defined as to what I want in a partner. I still find myself longing for that closeness but sway rapidly when I am centered on my slavery. It confuses me sometimes to the point that I opt to have nothing. All the while knowing in my heart that I need someone.
In a Master:
What I want mostly is someone to lead me on my journey. Someone that is willing while on this journey to accept what I am willing to give him. Someone that will accept the service I can give, someone that will accept my heart. A play-partner, someone that will learn to read my movement and allow our time together to be a dance of energy, someone that will allow a deep heart-fealt connection to happen. Someone that will touch the depths of my soul and only ask for me to grow.
In my slavery:
I set my standards very high when it comes to what I want... I want only the best. I want that connection, I want that love, I want that peace, I want the knowledge of the ages, I want it all and know that I will only get what I am willing to give... so I give everything.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
9/22/2010
I know a lot of people don't like Facebook but it becomes truely heartwarming when you recieve of 40 Birthday wishes from people that you know and some you only know online... it goes to show that there are people out there that do actually care. It also goes to show that my life has touched people to a point that they remember me and care enough to reach out.
It's a good lesson to look at all those folks and what they say and feel about me then to read my last blog ... what a different perspective ...
It's a good lesson to look at all those folks and what they say and feel about me then to read my last blog ... what a different perspective ...
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
9/15/2010
Self Esteem...
What do I think about me and believe that people see with me...
also known as the root of all my evils! It never really hurts until someone holds up a mirror and forces you to look hard at who you really are...
what I see... I've grown up fat all my life... big boned... hell FAT... I've always been on some sort of diet... that evil word! also the reason none have worked! People see me today and I hear the comments "he'd do so much better if he just lost weight", "I don't want you as my slave because you are so out of shape", "just stop eating so much", "WOW... you take a 48 shirt??? I only take a XX", "we don't have that size here, you need a BIG and tall shop". If these people only knew me some 20+ years ago when I tipped the scale at 450+ lbs they would think very different of me but all they see is fat now. Why the weight? the diabetes, sugar clogs the cleansing process keeping the fat in the body. I realized when I was diagnosed that my life needed to change drastically, I stopped the diets! I just cut back, I got on a regiem of meds for the sugar levels and started to exercise, walking in fact... but do people care about that now? no... they see a fat, old man. I see half a person from what I used to be. I see a path to success but also a very lonely one.
Society sucks when it comes to that... you could have Masters degrees in 4 or 5 subjects but be overweight and forget going anywhere in life - and oh yes this goes to the Master/slave relationship too...
Master Larry was the worst. It was a daily thing to be belittled for not working up to his expectations and feelings of what I should do ... but ask him and you will hear how he never tried to change who I was. In looking back that's all he tried to do.
I feel like all my life I've worked towards pleasing everyone else, taking care of thier needs, serving them, always leaving me to take what was left, if anything. I suppose this was due to dad being gane... I was the man of the house... the provider... not the taker... mom and anne needed everything... I could do without... scary thing was that it was allowed to happen! But it's all Ive known...
I feel so very torn, I was brought up with no middle road... mom cared for and accepted me and dad was just never there to accept me. Even when he was there he wasn't. He always managed to belittle me every chance he had for whatever reason he could find. Some of the Masters that I had did the exact same thing... was I then looking for that father? I don't know...
I know I have a lot to deal with... a lot to contemplate and a lot to come to terms with...
What do I think about me and believe that people see with me...
also known as the root of all my evils! It never really hurts until someone holds up a mirror and forces you to look hard at who you really are...
what I see... I've grown up fat all my life... big boned... hell FAT... I've always been on some sort of diet... that evil word! also the reason none have worked! People see me today and I hear the comments "he'd do so much better if he just lost weight", "I don't want you as my slave because you are so out of shape", "just stop eating so much", "WOW... you take a 48 shirt??? I only take a XX", "we don't have that size here, you need a BIG and tall shop". If these people only knew me some 20+ years ago when I tipped the scale at 450+ lbs they would think very different of me but all they see is fat now. Why the weight? the diabetes, sugar clogs the cleansing process keeping the fat in the body. I realized when I was diagnosed that my life needed to change drastically, I stopped the diets! I just cut back, I got on a regiem of meds for the sugar levels and started to exercise, walking in fact... but do people care about that now? no... they see a fat, old man. I see half a person from what I used to be. I see a path to success but also a very lonely one.
Society sucks when it comes to that... you could have Masters degrees in 4 or 5 subjects but be overweight and forget going anywhere in life - and oh yes this goes to the Master/slave relationship too...
Master Larry was the worst. It was a daily thing to be belittled for not working up to his expectations and feelings of what I should do ... but ask him and you will hear how he never tried to change who I was. In looking back that's all he tried to do.
I feel like all my life I've worked towards pleasing everyone else, taking care of thier needs, serving them, always leaving me to take what was left, if anything. I suppose this was due to dad being gane... I was the man of the house... the provider... not the taker... mom and anne needed everything... I could do without... scary thing was that it was allowed to happen! But it's all Ive known...
I feel so very torn, I was brought up with no middle road... mom cared for and accepted me and dad was just never there to accept me. Even when he was there he wasn't. He always managed to belittle me every chance he had for whatever reason he could find. Some of the Masters that I had did the exact same thing... was I then looking for that father? I don't know...
I know I have a lot to deal with... a lot to contemplate and a lot to come to terms with...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
09/08/2010
One week later from my last post I find so many questions that need to be answered... but first ... the conference and week prior to:
The week before was fun, getting everything pulled together. Tempers did fly high from time to time but this was expected and delt with accordingly. The move to the hotel went pretty well... I do believe everything made it! Late nights and early mornings soon became part of our lives.
Thursday and Friday were very busy days, making sure everything was where it needed to be and ran just the way it was supposed to run... of course there were scheduling issues to deal with and again tempers flaired... but in the end the work got done.
The classes I attended and worked at were all great and well received. A few of them hit harder than others but given what I am going through right now seems to be appropriate.
This year for some reason I left the conference with mixed emotions... all in all it was a good conference... but I got bogged down in questions such as in looking at my slavery there are aspects that are fulfilled, but then there are emotional aspects that are not fulfilled. How does one approach this and not be confrontational or hurtful?
There is a lot to discuss ... all of this comes together with the idea of having in Massters hand a printout of a letter that explains this and what I seek... May the greate universe deem our journey important enough to guide.
The week before was fun, getting everything pulled together. Tempers did fly high from time to time but this was expected and delt with accordingly. The move to the hotel went pretty well... I do believe everything made it! Late nights and early mornings soon became part of our lives.
Thursday and Friday were very busy days, making sure everything was where it needed to be and ran just the way it was supposed to run... of course there were scheduling issues to deal with and again tempers flaired... but in the end the work got done.
The classes I attended and worked at were all great and well received. A few of them hit harder than others but given what I am going through right now seems to be appropriate.
This year for some reason I left the conference with mixed emotions... all in all it was a good conference... but I got bogged down in questions such as in looking at my slavery there are aspects that are fulfilled, but then there are emotional aspects that are not fulfilled. How does one approach this and not be confrontational or hurtful?
There is a lot to discuss ... all of this comes together with the idea of having in Massters hand a printout of a letter that explains this and what I seek... May the greate universe deem our journey important enough to guide.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
8/31/2010
I figured it out!!! I have been so perplexed as to why my blogs are misinterpreted... I used to have two blogs... I would sit and explode on the screen... life in the raw so to speak... fealings, emotions, fears and joys all there for ME to see! Then I would sit back relax then type a blog that was more cohesive and rational ... without the emotional overtones... edited? not really - Filtered is a better term. I really don't know if I prefer to be questioned on my blogs or know that they are not as transparent as I want them to be... I'm almost to point that I would prefer the transperancy over the hiding - not to mention that I don't really like doing two blogs!
Wow... I can't believe it's conference time again... excited is an understatement! Daddy Don has been wonderful and also great to chat with concerning life in general... His outlook on church resonates deeply with me coming from the same background. Sir Brian, He's just as wonderful as he was the first day Master Curtis introduced us... I often wonder what would have happened had I petitioned him... hmmmm... Boy Johnathan... WOOF!!! he is so nice... I like him a lot!
The petition... for me... wow - yes it was hard, it was a major step out of a comfort zone... As I told you I don't ask for or beg for things redily... so to ask for your collar was a huge thing but something told me it was the right time ... that letter has been on my computer now for almost two months and I had planned to keep it there for another two... but that didn't happen. I know that there is a lot to talk about and a lot to think about and that will happen later... after the conference.
well back to work! lots to do to cover thursday and friday... Lovin Life!!!
Wow... I can't believe it's conference time again... excited is an understatement! Daddy Don has been wonderful and also great to chat with concerning life in general... His outlook on church resonates deeply with me coming from the same background. Sir Brian, He's just as wonderful as he was the first day Master Curtis introduced us... I often wonder what would have happened had I petitioned him... hmmmm... Boy Johnathan... WOOF!!! he is so nice... I like him a lot!
The petition... for me... wow - yes it was hard, it was a major step out of a comfort zone... As I told you I don't ask for or beg for things redily... so to ask for your collar was a huge thing but something told me it was the right time ... that letter has been on my computer now for almost two months and I had planned to keep it there for another two... but that didn't happen. I know that there is a lot to talk about and a lot to think about and that will happen later... after the conference.
well back to work! lots to do to cover thursday and friday... Lovin Life!!!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
08/19/2010
Trying to get back to writing on a regular basis... seems I need to... for my sanity and open communication.
Updates:
Dad: Today is the day... I leave work and pick up mom then off to finalize the paperwork... then get dad and the last of his stuff then home we go! I'm looking forward to not traveling so much... but am also worried about the stress it is going to put on mom... only time will tell...
House in Maine: Haven't heard from Tanya yet concerning the house in Maine yet... I'm getting a bit concerned. Might have Anne give her a buzz and see what's up.
Stress and health: Two topics I don't like talking about. The stress in the house is up to a blow up point... it won't take much for me to pop off and blow. Why Anne needs to put mom in the middle of everything I'll never know but what I do know is she will not bury my mother because of her actions... I will fight to the bitter end to save mom... dad being home will intervene so that will help.
From the well: First let me preface this with a disclosure... I am not mad, I am not depressed, or anything like that, I'm just in a place that I need clarification. So I am going to breach the topics on my mind openly and heartfelt.
I love my time at Master's. Period! for me it is a time of centering and a place for me to serve and express the true me... the slave that lies deep in my heart. But over time I have had the opportunity to observe some trends that bother me. First are the interns. I've enjoyed meeting all of them but I have noticed one reoccurring trait, that of initiative. Speaking from a point of never going through an "internship" per se I don't know what they are told as part of entering the house but it seems that all of them spend their time bored and inactive. I hear the same thing over and over... "I'm bored there's nothing to really do." ... yet I walk in the house and see dirty floors, dusty furniture, lawns that need tending, gardens that need tending and a number of other projects that could be completed. Recently when I posed the question "So when is the lawn getting done?" I was put back with the response "That's your job!"... Internally I hit the ceiling... I just shut up and eventually mowed the lawn... Why does everyone wait for Master to tell them what to do? Where is the pride of serving? Where is the pride of keeping Master's home clean and spot on? Why has that become such a chore? I love all the guys... but where is the responsibility?
The above is the reason it hurts to sit and listen to their play time and one on one time with Master. Allow me to explain my point of view in depth. For me, private time with Master has always been something earned. If things didn't get done, if things were not kept to a level of expectation then that gift from Master wasn't there. But if things were kept up and the level of expectation was met and/or exceeded Master had the option of giving that special gift to his slave... That's the reason I will never ask or beg for dungeon time... for me it's a gift offered by Master.
OK... this is all well and good... but it comes with a dark side... it comes with the feelings of inadequacies. When I sit and listen to the same complaining slaves that are bored telling me of thier time that they were granted with Master and read their blogs about being sent to other Master's houses for four or five days "to get to know them better"... I can't help but to wonder what I did wrong... and when large projects are completed were they not good enough? what did I do that was not pleasing to Master?
I feel a need to add an addendum here... I totally understand that at an advanced age one isn't expected to be up to flogging, paddling or what other impact activity there is... I have flogged before and understand the energy that it requires... and I totally understand that daily activities are in times grueling and tiring. But on the other side is the use of other forms of time... cuddling, shackles, bondage, needles, cuffs, cbt and electricity are not as draining and hard on the body... but fill the same need. Then there is the necessary communication time... all a positive reinforcement of the Master/slave relationship.
Master, I know I am not your slave. I have been reminded of this fact many times. But I need you to understand that maybe in terminology I'm not YOUR slave but my heart speaks very differently... You are my Master, You are the one to which I submit and yield who I am to... I will do whatever you ask and more if allowed... but I need that Master on the other side... When I moved to California, after a year of serving and chatting online, leaving everything for someone that said they would be there for me, I found a Master that spent 90% of thier day behind a computer screen, chatting and playing online... what I didn't find was a Master that was there in person in the present... So after a month f serving my need to serve and proving that I could in fact serve 24/7 I left and returned home triumphant and not beaten... Master, I don't want to leave your house, I know that I am home when with you... I know I want to be there with you... please allow me that.
In Service and Leather,
Your slave paul
Updates:
Dad: Today is the day... I leave work and pick up mom then off to finalize the paperwork... then get dad and the last of his stuff then home we go! I'm looking forward to not traveling so much... but am also worried about the stress it is going to put on mom... only time will tell...
House in Maine: Haven't heard from Tanya yet concerning the house in Maine yet... I'm getting a bit concerned. Might have Anne give her a buzz and see what's up.
Stress and health: Two topics I don't like talking about. The stress in the house is up to a blow up point... it won't take much for me to pop off and blow. Why Anne needs to put mom in the middle of everything I'll never know but what I do know is she will not bury my mother because of her actions... I will fight to the bitter end to save mom... dad being home will intervene so that will help.
From the well: First let me preface this with a disclosure... I am not mad, I am not depressed, or anything like that, I'm just in a place that I need clarification. So I am going to breach the topics on my mind openly and heartfelt.
I love my time at Master's. Period! for me it is a time of centering and a place for me to serve and express the true me... the slave that lies deep in my heart. But over time I have had the opportunity to observe some trends that bother me. First are the interns. I've enjoyed meeting all of them but I have noticed one reoccurring trait, that of initiative. Speaking from a point of never going through an "internship" per se I don't know what they are told as part of entering the house but it seems that all of them spend their time bored and inactive. I hear the same thing over and over... "I'm bored there's nothing to really do." ... yet I walk in the house and see dirty floors, dusty furniture, lawns that need tending, gardens that need tending and a number of other projects that could be completed. Recently when I posed the question "So when is the lawn getting done?" I was put back with the response "That's your job!"... Internally I hit the ceiling... I just shut up and eventually mowed the lawn... Why does everyone wait for Master to tell them what to do? Where is the pride of serving? Where is the pride of keeping Master's home clean and spot on? Why has that become such a chore? I love all the guys... but where is the responsibility?
The above is the reason it hurts to sit and listen to their play time and one on one time with Master. Allow me to explain my point of view in depth. For me, private time with Master has always been something earned. If things didn't get done, if things were not kept to a level of expectation then that gift from Master wasn't there. But if things were kept up and the level of expectation was met and/or exceeded Master had the option of giving that special gift to his slave... That's the reason I will never ask or beg for dungeon time... for me it's a gift offered by Master.
OK... this is all well and good... but it comes with a dark side... it comes with the feelings of inadequacies. When I sit and listen to the same complaining slaves that are bored telling me of thier time that they were granted with Master and read their blogs about being sent to other Master's houses for four or five days "to get to know them better"... I can't help but to wonder what I did wrong... and when large projects are completed were they not good enough? what did I do that was not pleasing to Master?
I feel a need to add an addendum here... I totally understand that at an advanced age one isn't expected to be up to flogging, paddling or what other impact activity there is... I have flogged before and understand the energy that it requires... and I totally understand that daily activities are in times grueling and tiring. But on the other side is the use of other forms of time... cuddling, shackles, bondage, needles, cuffs, cbt and electricity are not as draining and hard on the body... but fill the same need. Then there is the necessary communication time... all a positive reinforcement of the Master/slave relationship.
Master, I know I am not your slave. I have been reminded of this fact many times. But I need you to understand that maybe in terminology I'm not YOUR slave but my heart speaks very differently... You are my Master, You are the one to which I submit and yield who I am to... I will do whatever you ask and more if allowed... but I need that Master on the other side... When I moved to California, after a year of serving and chatting online, leaving everything for someone that said they would be there for me, I found a Master that spent 90% of thier day behind a computer screen, chatting and playing online... what I didn't find was a Master that was there in person in the present... So after a month f serving my need to serve and proving that I could in fact serve 24/7 I left and returned home triumphant and not beaten... Master, I don't want to leave your house, I know that I am home when with you... I know I want to be there with you... please allow me that.
In Service and Leather,
Your slave paul
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
08/17/2010
Whew! Survived another monday! LOL
Dad update... he comes home thursday... It will be nice to have him home and not have to travel out to Manassas five or six times a week. It's amazing how tiring that gets but beyond that he is doing great and will be much happier at home to heal completely.
The house in Maine is officially back on the market. I hope that it sells quick because things are frayed and stressed at the house... in short it's time to get out. As much as I would like to get my own place now I can't leave mom there alone with Anne & Steve... Mom and Dad don't deserve the crap that they dish out!
Today it's my day off from the house issues... it's off to Master's after work for some S&L (service and Leather) time... It's hard to realize that I live my life from service time to service time... just surviving what falls in between those dates. But it is what keeps me solid and centered, alive in who I choose to be.
sl paul
Dad update... he comes home thursday... It will be nice to have him home and not have to travel out to Manassas five or six times a week. It's amazing how tiring that gets but beyond that he is doing great and will be much happier at home to heal completely.
The house in Maine is officially back on the market. I hope that it sells quick because things are frayed and stressed at the house... in short it's time to get out. As much as I would like to get my own place now I can't leave mom there alone with Anne & Steve... Mom and Dad don't deserve the crap that they dish out!
Today it's my day off from the house issues... it's off to Master's after work for some S&L (service and Leather) time... It's hard to realize that I live my life from service time to service time... just surviving what falls in between those dates. But it is what keeps me solid and centered, alive in who I choose to be.
sl paul
Monday, August 16, 2010
8/16/2010
15 days since I last wrote with a lot of questioning going on with few answers to fill in the blanks...
I've been spending a lot of time in a quiet meditation/centering space seeking direction, seeking that path of enlightenment. While I love serving, am I in turn being fed? It's a hard question to answer. In fact I don't believe there is a definative yes or no because there are so many aspects to the question. Is my need to serve being fed? yes that's about it... I'm not even sure how to cover the rest except to say that I'm still here to fulfill a purpose... just wish I knew what that was.
Just listening to a song... "Life isn't the breath you take... but the moments that take your breath away"
I'm sitting here realizing howmany frustrations I have in my life right now... issues with family... sexual frustrations... relationship frustrations... where is my life going? why do I need to deal with this???
Oh well... back to work...
I've been spending a lot of time in a quiet meditation/centering space seeking direction, seeking that path of enlightenment. While I love serving, am I in turn being fed? It's a hard question to answer. In fact I don't believe there is a definative yes or no because there are so many aspects to the question. Is my need to serve being fed? yes that's about it... I'm not even sure how to cover the rest except to say that I'm still here to fulfill a purpose... just wish I knew what that was.
Just listening to a song... "Life isn't the breath you take... but the moments that take your breath away"
I'm sitting here realizing howmany frustrations I have in my life right now... issues with family... sexual frustrations... relationship frustrations... where is my life going? why do I need to deal with this???
Oh well... back to work...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
8/1/2010
alone...
That's how i've felt this weekend... I almost feel like everyone was told to leave me alone but i'm sure... well at least mostly sure that wasn't the case... I understand that David is busy with the accounting and conference stuff and you are the same... matt just seemed to check out emotionally... I know he's questioning a lot but there comes a time that just beinging isn't enough. Maybe it's good thing and the Universe has a reson for it and I'll understand later but right I can honestly say some family life and together time would have been nice.
For now I how found a zen space to be in and a good book to finish reading until we head out for davids birthday dinner... then its back home to face a reality that I don't miss. Maybe in time that too will change.
That's how i've felt this weekend... I almost feel like everyone was told to leave me alone but i'm sure... well at least mostly sure that wasn't the case... I understand that David is busy with the accounting and conference stuff and you are the same... matt just seemed to check out emotionally... I know he's questioning a lot but there comes a time that just beinging isn't enough. Maybe it's good thing and the Universe has a reson for it and I'll understand later but right I can honestly say some family life and together time would have been nice.
For now I how found a zen space to be in and a good book to finish reading until we head out for davids birthday dinner... then its back home to face a reality that I don't miss. Maybe in time that too will change.
Friday, July 23, 2010
7/23/10
Feeling out of sorts today. the heat? maybe. the sugar? ya, it's up again. I've emailed my doctor, time for something stronger. Pressure at home? more than I like. I reached out to friends just to say hi. Chatting helped.
have a busy day here at work then an equally busy night tonight. Tomorrow is my great-nieces 4th birthday... we are having a faiery/Tinkerbell themed party... lol... I'm not the tinkerbell type... sl matt seems to feel I fit in with the Radical Faieries of PA... but I don't think that counts... lol So we have 12 kids, all under the age of 10 and 8 adults not counting the 5 of us already there... I'll bury myself doing something to stay out of trouble...
Either sunday or monday I am planning on going over and doing the lawns... it's looking a little ragged again... then monday I'll sweet talk sl david in being there or at least unlocking so I can get that painting done... which will leave just the windows left to do... I have the new flange for the cross.. I have an idea about that brace that we can chat about down the road...
Dad seems to be doing better. His spirits were up last night when we talked to him. but it sounds like he will be there for one more week. I'm looking forward to him getting home the traveling from Springfield to Woodbridge then to Manassas is wearing thin...
Well Sir, I do need to get to work and try to accomplish something today. Have a great time and please give sl matt a hug for me.
In Service and Leather
have a busy day here at work then an equally busy night tonight. Tomorrow is my great-nieces 4th birthday... we are having a faiery/Tinkerbell themed party... lol... I'm not the tinkerbell type... sl matt seems to feel I fit in with the Radical Faieries of PA... but I don't think that counts... lol So we have 12 kids, all under the age of 10 and 8 adults not counting the 5 of us already there... I'll bury myself doing something to stay out of trouble...
Either sunday or monday I am planning on going over and doing the lawns... it's looking a little ragged again... then monday I'll sweet talk sl david in being there or at least unlocking so I can get that painting done... which will leave just the windows left to do... I have the new flange for the cross.. I have an idea about that brace that we can chat about down the road...
Dad seems to be doing better. His spirits were up last night when we talked to him. but it sounds like he will be there for one more week. I'm looking forward to him getting home the traveling from Springfield to Woodbridge then to Manassas is wearing thin...
Well Sir, I do need to get to work and try to accomplish something today. Have a great time and please give sl matt a hug for me.
In Service and Leather
Thursday, July 22, 2010
7/22/10
It looks like it's going to be a long weekend. I was hoping to do some needed work today at Masters... but I guess with the AC out and no one there that is out. I was looking forward to some service time... I need that time... but now need to wait till next week... :( It's an odd and somewhat disturbing feeling to be away for that long... I've never felt so "out of the loop" so to speak... oh well... at least I have what I need to do the work requested... it will wait till next week...
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
7/21/2010
This past week I’ve spent a lot of time looking at and wondering about service and why I have such a different feeling about where my service is. Let me explain…
I’ve always felt it easy to serve my Master by working about the house that I am currently living in… well until lately. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to do things there while finding it easier to do things at Masters. I feel that comfort level has a lot to do with it… I’ve come to a place that I feel very much at home at Masters and less as much in Woodbridge…
I’m hitting a block this morning… can’t seem to find the words… just that I do miss you a lot.
I’ve always felt it easy to serve my Master by working about the house that I am currently living in… well until lately. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to do things there while finding it easier to do things at Masters. I feel that comfort level has a lot to do with it… I’ve come to a place that I feel very much at home at Masters and less as much in Woodbridge…
I’m hitting a block this morning… can’t seem to find the words… just that I do miss you a lot.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
7/13/2010
Transparency...
I blogged about this not to long ago... I so want you to know everything... so after much thought I open my book to you... good and bad...
Fetishes... we all have them.. well I do too... well.. it's not only a fetish but a necessity every now and again... About 10 years ago my diabetes hit a low point. The meds they had me one were not working so they kept upping the dosage all the while not knowing or watching what it was doing to my system. The meds were attacking my bladder. It came to a point that I had to wear Depends on a regular basis... I never knew when I would leak. I've since gotten to a point where I can tell the signs of when I either need to get to a bathroom or make sure I'm protected... long trips are a major issue so I've learned to be protected... But then I started going to the M/s conference ... I met Master Skip Chasey as he gave a workshop on the spirituality of fetishes... I then realized that I'm not alone and that being a DL was OK. So after a discussion on the topic with him I decided to delve into my fetish and truly own it and not be embarrassed or scared about it... what I found was when I get stressed or work gets overwhelming I can relax and let go and return to a younger, more intimate time. I don't wear a lot anymore... maybe once or twice every other week or so... but still need to wear when the sugars get messed up... My doctor told me that it probably will never change and I'll need to use some sort of protection from here on out.
Metal... I love metal toys... sounds, surgical steel is the best... I have a set of four - one inch - anal balls, a 2lb ball stretcher with a ball crusher attachment, wortenburg wheel and my newest is a cock lock intruder... it's a cock/ball ring with a metal bar that goes to a 1 inch ball that is inserted in the anus... it goes in deep enough to just touch the prostrate... it is awesome! I love freezing the anal toys... =)
I've been asked why I need fetishes... i have to say that i have fetishes to take me away from life. the stress goes away and i am allowed to relax, enjoy and just flow with whatever happens. Do I need them? well the Depends I do sometimes... but the metal I could go without... but that leave no outlet for escape... something i definitely need every now and again.
I feel that fetishes are a good thing as long as they are not so overbearing that it takes away from who you truly are.
I blogged about this not to long ago... I so want you to know everything... so after much thought I open my book to you... good and bad...
Fetishes... we all have them.. well I do too... well.. it's not only a fetish but a necessity every now and again... About 10 years ago my diabetes hit a low point. The meds they had me one were not working so they kept upping the dosage all the while not knowing or watching what it was doing to my system. The meds were attacking my bladder. It came to a point that I had to wear Depends on a regular basis... I never knew when I would leak. I've since gotten to a point where I can tell the signs of when I either need to get to a bathroom or make sure I'm protected... long trips are a major issue so I've learned to be protected... But then I started going to the M/s conference ... I met Master Skip Chasey as he gave a workshop on the spirituality of fetishes... I then realized that I'm not alone and that being a DL was OK. So after a discussion on the topic with him I decided to delve into my fetish and truly own it and not be embarrassed or scared about it... what I found was when I get stressed or work gets overwhelming I can relax and let go and return to a younger, more intimate time. I don't wear a lot anymore... maybe once or twice every other week or so... but still need to wear when the sugars get messed up... My doctor told me that it probably will never change and I'll need to use some sort of protection from here on out.
Metal... I love metal toys... sounds, surgical steel is the best... I have a set of four - one inch - anal balls, a 2lb ball stretcher with a ball crusher attachment, wortenburg wheel and my newest is a cock lock intruder... it's a cock/ball ring with a metal bar that goes to a 1 inch ball that is inserted in the anus... it goes in deep enough to just touch the prostrate... it is awesome! I love freezing the anal toys... =)
I've been asked why I need fetishes... i have to say that i have fetishes to take me away from life. the stress goes away and i am allowed to relax, enjoy and just flow with whatever happens. Do I need them? well the Depends I do sometimes... but the metal I could go without... but that leave no outlet for escape... something i definitely need every now and again.
I feel that fetishes are a good thing as long as they are not so overbearing that it takes away from who you truly are.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
7/7/10
a lot going on in my mind lately... but not much to talk about right now... lol ok that made no sense... just like everything that's going on.
To many emotions surrounding Master Jake... I'm so honored... I'm so turned on... I'm so WOW over the play time we had... and yet I'm so confused because of the eroticism and sensuality that he brought to it. Pleased and perplexed...
My meditations this week have run the gambit of self imposed celibacy to transparency in the M/s relationship and back to the what-ifs of different Masters... the most challenging is that of transparency. lol... big surprise! Opening up has always been hard to me. But there are times I just don't feel that you need to be bothered... I know that as a Master/slave relationship it shouldn't be my decision what is important or not... I'm not really sure yet where that line is drawn. While we are here I have come to a realization... Guardian Master is a confusing term for many. While you and I know that you are my Master and everything that goes with that I do believe the Title of Guardian is clearer for those around. I'd love to discuss this further at some time.
Well it's getting late... so off to bed for tonight.
To many emotions surrounding Master Jake... I'm so honored... I'm so turned on... I'm so WOW over the play time we had... and yet I'm so confused because of the eroticism and sensuality that he brought to it. Pleased and perplexed...
My meditations this week have run the gambit of self imposed celibacy to transparency in the M/s relationship and back to the what-ifs of different Masters... the most challenging is that of transparency. lol... big surprise! Opening up has always been hard to me. But there are times I just don't feel that you need to be bothered... I know that as a Master/slave relationship it shouldn't be my decision what is important or not... I'm not really sure yet where that line is drawn. While we are here I have come to a realization... Guardian Master is a confusing term for many. While you and I know that you are my Master and everything that goes with that I do believe the Title of Guardian is clearer for those around. I'd love to discuss this further at some time.
Well it's getting late... so off to bed for tonight.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
7/4/10
Happy Birthday America!
This weekend... wow... I had such a great weekend...
This whole thing is from the heart and the well...
Sir... slave matt told me today to have a good time with the family... without even thinking I responded "I would but my family won't be there" he looked at me funny, I continued "my family will be here... I will be there there with my folks and the others... but my family and home is here...". I didn't even think about it till on the way to Woodbridge. I always feel so at home and under your control there. You offer me so much.
Master... I was so happy when you rebuked me at the party when I said that if your back was bothering you to not worry about flogging me... you said you wanted to and nothing would stop you. It had been 35 days since you last flogged me... since we last spent that powerful exchange of energy. I'm not sure why but you pushed harder this time taking me to a deeper place. I so wanted it to end but you knew better where I needed to be... I don't know how you knew that because a lot of things have changed since we last had a heart to heart. for one full night I stayed awake and spent in meditation. I needed to recenter my thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires and goals... in doing so I hit a meditation on transparency and you words that rang so loud... how I needed to let go of the past... leave the pain and the hurt behind and live in and for today. To remind myself of this I set this as a mantra to be recited each morning...
"Master, I offer my day and my life to you. my slaveheart is yours to Master. May peace and trust reign in our lives today."
Master... the memories will always be there... that goes unsaid... but I have made a conscience decision to rule over them and not allow them to rule over me. I ask if you see me slipping back to old habits that you stop me please.
The time with Master Jake... ummm... WOW!!! comes to mind... That man has an ability to touch me on levels that few have dared approach. Sir, I have endured pain before but nothing like that which Master Jake offered me and yet I felt so safe in his hands. I knew to the depths of my soul that he would not hurt me. What an awesome feeling and all the while he whispered in my ears how it was arousing him and giving him such great pleasure as he grabbed my hands and led them to his crotch where a waiting bulge was... He kissed me gently and continued exploring my body for different places to apply pressure... and so we danced... as the time began to close our session he made a statement that will stay with me for a long while... as he held me in a particularly painful way he whispered so softly in my ear that if I was his slave to use there would be much more happening here than what had taken place. It stopped me short to say the least...As I recovered from the pain I asked where he learned that technique he spent the next 10 minutes telling me the story of his youth and how troubled he was... it was so awesome to hear of the trials and tribulations that he went through. We then spent over a half hour talking about martial arts and it's correlation with the M/s life choice.
Master I must confess that he holds a very dear and special place in my heart and I value that... If he ever asks to spend time with me please know that I would be honored to. If he is ever in need please be open to giving him my contact information .... I would be honored to assist when I how I can.
As the time hits 11:20pm I find that I better be getting to bed for I need to be at your house by 9am :)
Thank you again Master for all you do and for an awesome weekend~
This weekend... wow... I had such a great weekend...
This whole thing is from the heart and the well...
Sir... slave matt told me today to have a good time with the family... without even thinking I responded "I would but my family won't be there" he looked at me funny, I continued "my family will be here... I will be there there with my folks and the others... but my family and home is here...". I didn't even think about it till on the way to Woodbridge. I always feel so at home and under your control there. You offer me so much.
Master... I was so happy when you rebuked me at the party when I said that if your back was bothering you to not worry about flogging me... you said you wanted to and nothing would stop you. It had been 35 days since you last flogged me... since we last spent that powerful exchange of energy. I'm not sure why but you pushed harder this time taking me to a deeper place. I so wanted it to end but you knew better where I needed to be... I don't know how you knew that because a lot of things have changed since we last had a heart to heart. for one full night I stayed awake and spent in meditation. I needed to recenter my thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires and goals... in doing so I hit a meditation on transparency and you words that rang so loud... how I needed to let go of the past... leave the pain and the hurt behind and live in and for today. To remind myself of this I set this as a mantra to be recited each morning...
"Master, I offer my day and my life to you. my slaveheart is yours to Master. May peace and trust reign in our lives today."
Master... the memories will always be there... that goes unsaid... but I have made a conscience decision to rule over them and not allow them to rule over me. I ask if you see me slipping back to old habits that you stop me please.
The time with Master Jake... ummm... WOW!!! comes to mind... That man has an ability to touch me on levels that few have dared approach. Sir, I have endured pain before but nothing like that which Master Jake offered me and yet I felt so safe in his hands. I knew to the depths of my soul that he would not hurt me. What an awesome feeling and all the while he whispered in my ears how it was arousing him and giving him such great pleasure as he grabbed my hands and led them to his crotch where a waiting bulge was... He kissed me gently and continued exploring my body for different places to apply pressure... and so we danced... as the time began to close our session he made a statement that will stay with me for a long while... as he held me in a particularly painful way he whispered so softly in my ear that if I was his slave to use there would be much more happening here than what had taken place. It stopped me short to say the least...As I recovered from the pain I asked where he learned that technique he spent the next 10 minutes telling me the story of his youth and how troubled he was... it was so awesome to hear of the trials and tribulations that he went through. We then spent over a half hour talking about martial arts and it's correlation with the M/s life choice.
Master I must confess that he holds a very dear and special place in my heart and I value that... If he ever asks to spend time with me please know that I would be honored to. If he is ever in need please be open to giving him my contact information .... I would be honored to assist when I how I can.
As the time hits 11:20pm I find that I better be getting to bed for I need to be at your house by 9am :)
Thank you again Master for all you do and for an awesome weekend~
Monday, June 28, 2010
6/28/2010
For what was supposed to be a quiet weekend I'm sure glad to be at work to get some rest. Plan was to get some needed house stuff done then go out sunday as a family... well we did but wow... it was just non-stop!
From the Well:
To Listen and to Hear… two words that are so often used interchangeably… but shouldn’t because the mean different things… one can Hear noise or words but very often don’t listen to them. How often have people asked did you hear that bird? You may have heard a noise but didn’t listen to distinguish the sound of a particular bird… what a loss. How many times have you heard the words spoken by a person and still been accused of misunderstanding them? Were you listening to the intention of the words? Some, including myself feel that this happens in writing too.
Last week you said that I worry too much about the future… I agree I do. Do you know why I do? Not many do… My first three Masters that I served weren’t really Masters at all Dominants ok… that they were. They wanted a houseboy, someone to clean, do laundry, do lawn work… that was it. There was no emotional tie allowed… back then I was a servant not a slave as we know it. I was collared… wrongly but collared none-the-less. It wasn’t what I needed or was looking for but not knowing better allowed it to happen… Thus a lot of confusion and hurt. The fourth began by building a relationship and wanting the houseboy aspect too… it worked for a while… but then turned. When things weren’t done to his liking he became abusive… what I then saw as punishment quickly turned to abuse… I was spanked beyond any limits we set… and I was used hard sexually. In one simple term abused. I finally took all I could and took off the collar and gave it back, never to turn and look back. Master #5 went back to the houseboy stuff and that ended quickly… then came Master Larry… well enough said there.
So as I enter this relationship yes I’m going to worry about the future. There’s more to me than a houseboy… You said something when you stood before the family and spoke on May 28th… you said that you saw a need for me to belong … a need to be loved… you were right more than you knew. I’ve served 6 Masters… not one has loved me for the slave that I know is inside.
Slave matt asked if I was ok last week, I told him that I felt lost… I felt like I was in a tunnel with two openings… the one behind me leads to that empty, alone, useless feeling … in front was the sign of peace and happiness, being truly loved as a slave, having that Master that would say from their heart that they are proud to own me as theirs… and I’m somewhere in the middle with no path… Let's face it, I'm 44 soon to be 45 and have yet to realize that which i seek...
In one of my last journals I brought up the notion of a contract… why? To answer questions such as what is the definition of Guardian Master and “slave in service”? What do those terms mean in regards to you and to me? Where is your line drawn between slave and slave in service? What kind of relationship do you envision between yourself and a slave in service? Or is there one?
You stated that I worry too much… and you are right… now do you better understand why I do? In my life and job it is up to me to see the big picture or at least understand the focus of the picture. When I don’t have that I either wander aimlessly or worry. It’s part of who I am.
From the Well:
To Listen and to Hear… two words that are so often used interchangeably… but shouldn’t because the mean different things… one can Hear noise or words but very often don’t listen to them. How often have people asked did you hear that bird? You may have heard a noise but didn’t listen to distinguish the sound of a particular bird… what a loss. How many times have you heard the words spoken by a person and still been accused of misunderstanding them? Were you listening to the intention of the words? Some, including myself feel that this happens in writing too.
Last week you said that I worry too much about the future… I agree I do. Do you know why I do? Not many do… My first three Masters that I served weren’t really Masters at all Dominants ok… that they were. They wanted a houseboy, someone to clean, do laundry, do lawn work… that was it. There was no emotional tie allowed… back then I was a servant not a slave as we know it. I was collared… wrongly but collared none-the-less. It wasn’t what I needed or was looking for but not knowing better allowed it to happen… Thus a lot of confusion and hurt. The fourth began by building a relationship and wanting the houseboy aspect too… it worked for a while… but then turned. When things weren’t done to his liking he became abusive… what I then saw as punishment quickly turned to abuse… I was spanked beyond any limits we set… and I was used hard sexually. In one simple term abused. I finally took all I could and took off the collar and gave it back, never to turn and look back. Master #5 went back to the houseboy stuff and that ended quickly… then came Master Larry… well enough said there.
So as I enter this relationship yes I’m going to worry about the future. There’s more to me than a houseboy… You said something when you stood before the family and spoke on May 28th… you said that you saw a need for me to belong … a need to be loved… you were right more than you knew. I’ve served 6 Masters… not one has loved me for the slave that I know is inside.
Slave matt asked if I was ok last week, I told him that I felt lost… I felt like I was in a tunnel with two openings… the one behind me leads to that empty, alone, useless feeling … in front was the sign of peace and happiness, being truly loved as a slave, having that Master that would say from their heart that they are proud to own me as theirs… and I’m somewhere in the middle with no path… Let's face it, I'm 44 soon to be 45 and have yet to realize that which i seek...
In one of my last journals I brought up the notion of a contract… why? To answer questions such as what is the definition of Guardian Master and “slave in service”? What do those terms mean in regards to you and to me? Where is your line drawn between slave and slave in service? What kind of relationship do you envision between yourself and a slave in service? Or is there one?
You stated that I worry too much… and you are right… now do you better understand why I do? In my life and job it is up to me to see the big picture or at least understand the focus of the picture. When I don’t have that I either wander aimlessly or worry. It’s part of who I am.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
6/22/2010
Been away from the computer for a few days... just needed a break from life in general - a lot going on to think about and a lot to do. It's hard to believe I've been here for over a year now things have flown by so fast. As I do my a review for work I can barely believe how much I have accomplished over the 365 day... taking piles of documents stacked on the floor to an organized office complete with a conference space. Electronic logs have been completed and the whole thing maintained. Certified payroll that hadn't been maintained for 2 years has been complied, filed and maintained and the room in a great organized way... bosses are happy and so is my employers!
From the well:
Today I feel a great sense of accomplishment here at work... I walked in to utter chaos and after learning the process and terminology have organized the office to a level they apparently are not used to... it makes me feel real good knowing that I have that ability!
From the well:
Today I feel a great sense of accomplishment here at work... I walked in to utter chaos and after learning the process and terminology have organized the office to a level they apparently are not used to... it makes me feel real good knowing that I have that ability!
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
6/16/2010
Zen! What more can I say... today is a super busy day but through the practice of zenful work I am ahead of schedule and the bosses love it! before they finish asking I hand them the work! talk about antisipitory service! Woof!
I'm looking forward to spending time with Master and the guys... seems like so long since I've seen them...
From the well...
Just watching how a zenful spirit helps get through the hussle and bussle of daily life... wondering why I keep forgetting the practice!
I'm looking forward to spending time with Master and the guys... seems like so long since I've seen them...
From the well...
Just watching how a zenful spirit helps get through the hussle and bussle of daily life... wondering why I keep forgetting the practice!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
6/15/2010
The spirits have indeed been quiet these past few days. Being intune with the spirits of those past has been a blessing in many ways but it also leads to questions concerning times of quiet. Where do they go during these quiet times? what do they do? is something else going on that is blocking my being intune with them? Things that make you go hmmmm....
From the well:
Being intune with theings around me is a major factor in my slavery. People ask how I keep up with all the small things that makes my service seem seemless it's just that I am intune with my surroundings... when things are no longer needed or are in the way I get rid of it ... the less confusion the better the experience... or at least that is what I have come to see over the years.
So mindfulness, being intune, being aware... functions that are saught out by Masters? sometimes... but not often ...
From the well:
Being intune with theings around me is a major factor in my slavery. People ask how I keep up with all the small things that makes my service seem seemless it's just that I am intune with my surroundings... when things are no longer needed or are in the way I get rid of it ... the less confusion the better the experience... or at least that is what I have come to see over the years.
So mindfulness, being intune, being aware... functions that are saught out by Masters? sometimes... but not often ...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
6/12/2010
From the well:
As I sit here Saturday finally quieting down and enjoying the peace that surrounds me I find my mind looking at where I am and what I'm feeling... I wish I could say that it's a comfortable place but it's not.
While I enjoy the family and the service I am still feeling lost and without direction. I realize relationships take time to build. I know I am not one of Masters slaves. I know I'm part of the family. but what does all that mean? Guardian Master? What does that entail? What does Master expect from me? Go over do some work in and out of the house, have dinner, do dishes go home? sounds like a houseboy to me...
I feel like I'm in a tunnel. to my back is lost, nothingness, and empty feelings... in front is warmth, being owned, cherished, a part of a unit that is family. But I stand stuck in the middle with no understanding of what is expected of me... I'm almost there but not... I'm treated as part... but not... is this what limbo feels like?
Where do I belong?
I feel that maybe a contract spelling out where and what I am and Master is might help... naybe that will allow me to view the big picture... and maybe it will clarify where I'm heading... where this relationship is heading... where life is taking me.
As I sit here Saturday finally quieting down and enjoying the peace that surrounds me I find my mind looking at where I am and what I'm feeling... I wish I could say that it's a comfortable place but it's not.
While I enjoy the family and the service I am still feeling lost and without direction. I realize relationships take time to build. I know I am not one of Masters slaves. I know I'm part of the family. but what does all that mean? Guardian Master? What does that entail? What does Master expect from me? Go over do some work in and out of the house, have dinner, do dishes go home? sounds like a houseboy to me...
I feel like I'm in a tunnel. to my back is lost, nothingness, and empty feelings... in front is warmth, being owned, cherished, a part of a unit that is family. But I stand stuck in the middle with no understanding of what is expected of me... I'm almost there but not... I'm treated as part... but not... is this what limbo feels like?
Where do I belong?
I feel that maybe a contract spelling out where and what I am and Master is might help... naybe that will allow me to view the big picture... and maybe it will clarify where I'm heading... where this relationship is heading... where life is taking me.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
6/10/10
Real busy day at work today... but I like it that way... looking forward to getting out at 2 instead of 3 =) was given the duty of secretary at the MAsT meeting tuesday... so I updated that information along with filing the meeting information... I'm feeling much better about taking on more responsibility in regards to MAsT and other community functions. I do think the year out of the director/secretary/deputy/teasurer chair was a good choice! Master and sl david headed out to SELF today... if all goes well he will return with my vest... things are finally slowing down and I am looking forward to a very quiet weekend at home to catch up on some much needed rest.
From the well:
I've been looking at there things were, where things are, and where I am envisioning things will be... I know that for me this can be a dangerous thing to do. where I've been was a dark point in my journey but one that has lead to a clarity of the journey ahead. I learned the lesson of communication. I've learned that while communication is needed that communication needs to be face to face... and heart felt. there I am is a place of comfort. I enjoy working with sl matt and sl david. I enjoy the comfort of Masters home and I enjoy the peace I feal around Master. Life is good! Where can I see things going... I purposely left doors open... unless things change drastically I can see petitioning Master for a slave position with his house... but not till next year when things are more stable with mom and dad. That is and will be the only thing slowing the process.
From the well:
I've been looking at there things were, where things are, and where I am envisioning things will be... I know that for me this can be a dangerous thing to do. where I've been was a dark point in my journey but one that has lead to a clarity of the journey ahead. I learned the lesson of communication. I've learned that while communication is needed that communication needs to be face to face... and heart felt. there I am is a place of comfort. I enjoy working with sl matt and sl david. I enjoy the comfort of Masters home and I enjoy the peace I feal around Master. Life is good! Where can I see things going... I purposely left doors open... unless things change drastically I can see petitioning Master for a slave position with his house... but not till next year when things are more stable with mom and dad. That is and will be the only thing slowing the process.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
6/9/10
Not a lot to talk about today so I’m just going to the well…
From the Well:
Today’s well is a continuation of last nights MAsT meeting… BDSM in an M/s relationship
As I listened to the group talk about what it meant to them so much resonated with me. We have so little one-on-one time together between work, meetings, appointments and preparing for upcoming stuff every second becomes so important. Things like hugs, a touch or a short chat means the world to me… and when that rare moment comes when we can spend alone time in the dungeon as Master/slave I’m sure it will be as magical as ever…
For me the connection during whatever the scene may be becomes the most important part. The touch of a Master has always been very powerful as well as very sensual… together it does as Master David stated… made us one for that 15 minutes or so…
From the Well:
Today’s well is a continuation of last nights MAsT meeting… BDSM in an M/s relationship
As I listened to the group talk about what it meant to them so much resonated with me. We have so little one-on-one time together between work, meetings, appointments and preparing for upcoming stuff every second becomes so important. Things like hugs, a touch or a short chat means the world to me… and when that rare moment comes when we can spend alone time in the dungeon as Master/slave I’m sure it will be as magical as ever…
For me the connection during whatever the scene may be becomes the most important part. The touch of a Master has always been very powerful as well as very sensual… together it does as Master David stated… made us one for that 15 minutes or so…
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
06/08/10
Quantum time…
I wonder often how it is that when you are having fun the day goes quick and when you are bored it slows down… Time seems to have its own mind… the same happens every time I enter Master’s home except in the opposite way… when I am “having fun” serving – time slows and I’m allowed to enjoy for longer periods… I know this is all a mind game and that time doesn’t change… so what is it that causes that duality of time?
I venture a guess to be that of energy… not power type energy but that energy of the heart. They say when you are in love time stops… sound familiar? When I serve and do what I love – time stops or slows as the case may be… the universe allows me to revel in that feeling and enjoy every minute of my serving time.
From the well…
From the well today I pull that feeling I get when I am faced with leaving the house after serving for a few plus days… that overwhelming feeling of loss knowing that I have to return to the real time stream or work, family, agitations and frustrations and leave the calm and peace where my heart is happiest… I’ve come to view Master’s house as home… a place of quiet security, safety as it should be… I have no fears there, no worries only peace, love and a full heart through service.
It’s interesting that people ask me why I choose to serve… my answer has always been that it offers a peace a place of zen… then when asked why Master Taino? I’ve come to answer the same thing… he offers a place to serve and a peace that fills the soul… what more do I need….
I wonder often how it is that when you are having fun the day goes quick and when you are bored it slows down… Time seems to have its own mind… the same happens every time I enter Master’s home except in the opposite way… when I am “having fun” serving – time slows and I’m allowed to enjoy for longer periods… I know this is all a mind game and that time doesn’t change… so what is it that causes that duality of time?
I venture a guess to be that of energy… not power type energy but that energy of the heart. They say when you are in love time stops… sound familiar? When I serve and do what I love – time stops or slows as the case may be… the universe allows me to revel in that feeling and enjoy every minute of my serving time.
From the well…
From the well today I pull that feeling I get when I am faced with leaving the house after serving for a few plus days… that overwhelming feeling of loss knowing that I have to return to the real time stream or work, family, agitations and frustrations and leave the calm and peace where my heart is happiest… I’ve come to view Master’s house as home… a place of quiet security, safety as it should be… I have no fears there, no worries only peace, love and a full heart through service.
It’s interesting that people ask me why I choose to serve… my answer has always been that it offers a peace a place of zen… then when asked why Master Taino? I’ve come to answer the same thing… he offers a place to serve and a peace that fills the soul… what more do I need….
Monday, June 7, 2010
6/7/10
As I sit here today after a very full weekend I can’t help but look back at how enjoyable it all was. Friday, even though I wasn’t feeling all that great worked through the feelings and got what needed to be completed done… it was so awesome to see Ms. Khiki and slave jez again. Saturday was a busy but great day! Starting off the day with Master David’s erotic whipping was a great way to start the day, then piercing with Ms. Khiki, next up was the panel discussion on service slaves – we had a great class and good discussion and lastly Mentoring with Ms. Khiki – I really enjoyed that class especially having slave kellie in Florida asking me to mentor him… argh… after a few discussion it comes down to answer his questions and point him in the right direction great… I just don’t have the time for a full mentorship in my life right now… it wouldn’t be fair to him or me. Dinner with Master David and Ms. Khiki, slave justin and everyone was just great… what a great family! Sunday started out early but moved fast. The clean-up/set-up went great and the teamwork we all had worked out just great. I was surprised that Master David chose Sunday to whip me… we had talked a few times about doing a whipping scene “in the future”. Guess his “future” and mine differ in time! But it was very nice and I really enjoyed his work! Lol and still do today… the clean-up went great with lots of help and dinner finished off the weekend on a high! All in all an enjoyable weekend!
This week will be a fairly quiet one in my world… work , work, and more work! But I love it!
I’m going to bring back a segment that I used to have on my blog and for some reason stopped it. It’s called “From the well”.
FROM THE WELL
I usually speak to myself in my blogs, but I feel in this area I can speak directly to you Master.
This area isn’t always easy to write nor I’m sure isn’t always easy to read…
This past weekend I was quietly hoping to be flogged by you… to spend that little bit of one on one time with you… but after seeing how distant slave matt became Saturday with the influx of people in the house I knew that he needed time with you and that was more important . I saw this to be very prevalent Saturday night while assisting in the prep of the meal… he let slave jez know that he was disappearing for some time… then again after dinner he stuck to chatting with justin, jez and the guys and staying somewhat distant… I knew then that it would be best to allow matt the time he needed with you and just keep busy and I was ok with that. I saw matts quietness start again Sunday morning so I opted to just not engage with him… we both went on our ways and did what we needed to do… I watched quietly throughout the day as you spent time with him on and off knowing that’s what he needed but still hoping for some of that time with you. It felt nice to have Master David step in and share some one-on-one time with me Sunday. He filled some of that void that I had longed for back on Friday… and I thanked him profusely for that time however… still missing that “Master time”. When it came time to leave after dinner I knelt before you… you hugged me and didn’t let go… it filled that void that was there… Knowing that over the weekend I had served to my best and was appreciated filled that empty feeling that had welled up…
Something that you may have seen in me or may not have seen… I don’t ask to be played with… for me that is a gift for you to offer. I’ve been asked why I don’t ask for what I want… I suppose it goes back to my upbringing of not begging for something I really want. I was born into a French, Catholic, Military household. Dad was an Aviation Electrician with the Blue Angels for the majority of his career with the Navy. My sister and I were raised such that you could ask once and that was it… there was no begging or whining period. Children were pretty much meant to be seen (and in short spurts at that) and not heard… so begging has never been something done
This week will be a fairly quiet one in my world… work , work, and more work! But I love it!
I’m going to bring back a segment that I used to have on my blog and for some reason stopped it. It’s called “From the well”.
FROM THE WELL
I usually speak to myself in my blogs, but I feel in this area I can speak directly to you Master.
This area isn’t always easy to write nor I’m sure isn’t always easy to read…
This past weekend I was quietly hoping to be flogged by you… to spend that little bit of one on one time with you… but after seeing how distant slave matt became Saturday with the influx of people in the house I knew that he needed time with you and that was more important . I saw this to be very prevalent Saturday night while assisting in the prep of the meal… he let slave jez know that he was disappearing for some time… then again after dinner he stuck to chatting with justin, jez and the guys and staying somewhat distant… I knew then that it would be best to allow matt the time he needed with you and just keep busy and I was ok with that. I saw matts quietness start again Sunday morning so I opted to just not engage with him… we both went on our ways and did what we needed to do… I watched quietly throughout the day as you spent time with him on and off knowing that’s what he needed but still hoping for some of that time with you. It felt nice to have Master David step in and share some one-on-one time with me Sunday. He filled some of that void that I had longed for back on Friday… and I thanked him profusely for that time however… still missing that “Master time”. When it came time to leave after dinner I knelt before you… you hugged me and didn’t let go… it filled that void that was there… Knowing that over the weekend I had served to my best and was appreciated filled that empty feeling that had welled up…
Something that you may have seen in me or may not have seen… I don’t ask to be played with… for me that is a gift for you to offer. I’ve been asked why I don’t ask for what I want… I suppose it goes back to my upbringing of not begging for something I really want. I was born into a French, Catholic, Military household. Dad was an Aviation Electrician with the Blue Angels for the majority of his career with the Navy. My sister and I were raised such that you could ask once and that was it… there was no begging or whining period. Children were pretty much meant to be seen (and in short spurts at that) and not heard… so begging has never been something done
Friday, June 4, 2010
6/4/10
This has been a rough week... Monday (memorial day) was spent with family... midway through the hot day we hear CLICK - BANG!!! uh oh! there went the AC unit... so after a quick call to the repair man we learn that the compressor blew... ARGH! Tuesday was fairly uneventful... Wednesday I had a doctors appointment.. back on the Actos for the sugan.. but now they also add high blood pressure meds and high chloresterol med... ok.. makes sense. I picked them up wednesday night and take the three as prescribed.. hmmm no problems yet... 11:pm rolls around... I wake up soaked! legs cramping, stomach cramps, feels like the room is 200 degrees and I can't breath... not a good thing! ended up spending 4 hours in emergency with a reaction to the high chloresterol meds... Thursday I took the day off and slept... Friday has started out ok... I feel a bit better but still not totally right... hopefully things will even out for the weekend. Today after work I report to Master Taino's for the weekend and DC Leather Pride... sitting on a panel with slavette and slave jez... that should be fun especially since we haven't heard whe the outline for the class is... fun fun fun
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
6/1/10
It's been one weekend I won't soon forget!
Friday morning I loaded the car and headed to work early... I wanted to get the cake inside because of the heat. got it inside and started to remove the plastic wrap and oh crap... it stuck to the picture... so after a few calls got anne and steve to pick up some frosting and a new picture... got it repaired... whew... left work and headed to Master's for the weekend.
Started to work when I got there.. first on the list was to get the canopy up and secured... with help from David and Eddy we could check that off the list...then dinner with two friends, M Andreas son and another guy... honestly don't remember either of their names... friday night Master asked for my chain collar to measure the new one... so I gave it to him... not knowing that I wouldn't be getting it back...
Friday night was difficult... 8 months around my neck... it was hard to sleep... was up early Saturday morning knowing that I had a lot of prep work to do for the gathering at 4pm... I stayed quiet and worked all day preparing veggies, fish, mushrooms, etc.... I stayed quiet because of the emotions that were flooding my system... doubt, what was I doing again? how soon till I get hurt by another relationship? how was this one going to differ? so many emotions...
I understand better now the separation and cleansing that needed to take place before the new collar was placed around my neck. At 3:30 the first of the guests arrived Sir Ross and slave martha... the other new member of the family! I look forward to getting to know them better!... Ms. Khiki and slave jez arrived next... I love them both! Master Jake and slave laura, Lady Lynette and slave llamb, Mistress Mary and slave chris... and finally Lord Brick and slave lara... that's when the love of a family hit me... such beautiful people... such a great family... and I was soon to be a full member of that family.
Dinner was ready for 6pm as directed... and all went well... salmon fillets, garlic roasted potatoes, veggie kabobs, stuffed portabello mushroom caps, salad, and macarroni salad, hors'derves, munchies, drinks, desert was strawberry shortcake and watermellon... what a feast! Everyone left the table full... what a blessing!
After dinner Master came to the kitchen and asked me to come outside... so I dried my hands and followed... I was reqested to stand behind Master... I knew what was going to happen... was I ready? Master spoke about how I got there... and what we discussed then added that he saw one thing that I needed that wasn't discussed... love... my heart stopped... he understood... I heard him chock up and I could feel his heart and his emotion in accepting me to his family...maybe this would be different... I knelt before him and he placed a new collar around my neck and locked it on... it initially weighed heavy but soon settled in... the family patch and name tag came next... I wish there were proper words to express the warmth and love I felt from so many present in person and present in spirit...
Sir Ross was then brought into the family... not without emotion... part of the ceremony Master passed on his original pair of boots... 20 years of history... and so the Leather tradition continues... Sir Ross earned that leather... what a moment.
we all spent some time just talking... and cleaning up for the festivities to move to the crucible... where I had an awesome time... Master started with slave matt... what a beautiful flogging... then he flogged me... It was a great feeling to have my Master flogg me... what an honor... but then I found I had a dance card... Mistress Mary requested play time and so did Lady Lynette... I barely had time to recoup from the flogging when I offered myself up to Mistress Mary... what an awesome whipping she gave... lick lick bite... bite bite bite... lol... beautiful marks for two days... Woof... but it wasn't over... Lady Lynette was still there patiently waiting... she informed me that her toys were in the car already... but she still had her hands and those nails... wow... she brought me to my knees... what hights she brought me to... but was always there to help me down to a safe place... It hit time to go home... upon arrival I finished up the kitchen stuff and matt made breakfast... then to bed...
Sunday started a new day for me... a new path on the journey... breakfast went well and clean up was a breeze... but as I prepared to leave Master handed me back my old collar... I stopped in my tracks and knew what I needed to do... do after the pictures I asked Master to speak privately... I thanked him for everything he did for me over the weekend... then handed the collar back to him... he asked its origin... I thought for a bit then told him it was security, safety for me... that I didn't need it or want it because what was around my neck now was all the security and safety that I need. He accepted it back... and it was time to say good bye until next friday for DC Leather Pride...
and so "The Journey Continues"
Friday morning I loaded the car and headed to work early... I wanted to get the cake inside because of the heat. got it inside and started to remove the plastic wrap and oh crap... it stuck to the picture... so after a few calls got anne and steve to pick up some frosting and a new picture... got it repaired... whew... left work and headed to Master's for the weekend.
Started to work when I got there.. first on the list was to get the canopy up and secured... with help from David and Eddy we could check that off the list...then dinner with two friends, M Andreas son and another guy... honestly don't remember either of their names... friday night Master asked for my chain collar to measure the new one... so I gave it to him... not knowing that I wouldn't be getting it back...
Friday night was difficult... 8 months around my neck... it was hard to sleep... was up early Saturday morning knowing that I had a lot of prep work to do for the gathering at 4pm... I stayed quiet and worked all day preparing veggies, fish, mushrooms, etc.... I stayed quiet because of the emotions that were flooding my system... doubt, what was I doing again? how soon till I get hurt by another relationship? how was this one going to differ? so many emotions...
I understand better now the separation and cleansing that needed to take place before the new collar was placed around my neck. At 3:30 the first of the guests arrived Sir Ross and slave martha... the other new member of the family! I look forward to getting to know them better!... Ms. Khiki and slave jez arrived next... I love them both! Master Jake and slave laura, Lady Lynette and slave llamb, Mistress Mary and slave chris... and finally Lord Brick and slave lara... that's when the love of a family hit me... such beautiful people... such a great family... and I was soon to be a full member of that family.
Dinner was ready for 6pm as directed... and all went well... salmon fillets, garlic roasted potatoes, veggie kabobs, stuffed portabello mushroom caps, salad, and macarroni salad, hors'derves, munchies, drinks, desert was strawberry shortcake and watermellon... what a feast! Everyone left the table full... what a blessing!
After dinner Master came to the kitchen and asked me to come outside... so I dried my hands and followed... I was reqested to stand behind Master... I knew what was going to happen... was I ready? Master spoke about how I got there... and what we discussed then added that he saw one thing that I needed that wasn't discussed... love... my heart stopped... he understood... I heard him chock up and I could feel his heart and his emotion in accepting me to his family...maybe this would be different... I knelt before him and he placed a new collar around my neck and locked it on... it initially weighed heavy but soon settled in... the family patch and name tag came next... I wish there were proper words to express the warmth and love I felt from so many present in person and present in spirit...
Sir Ross was then brought into the family... not without emotion... part of the ceremony Master passed on his original pair of boots... 20 years of history... and so the Leather tradition continues... Sir Ross earned that leather... what a moment.
we all spent some time just talking... and cleaning up for the festivities to move to the crucible... where I had an awesome time... Master started with slave matt... what a beautiful flogging... then he flogged me... It was a great feeling to have my Master flogg me... what an honor... but then I found I had a dance card... Mistress Mary requested play time and so did Lady Lynette... I barely had time to recoup from the flogging when I offered myself up to Mistress Mary... what an awesome whipping she gave... lick lick bite... bite bite bite... lol... beautiful marks for two days... Woof... but it wasn't over... Lady Lynette was still there patiently waiting... she informed me that her toys were in the car already... but she still had her hands and those nails... wow... she brought me to my knees... what hights she brought me to... but was always there to help me down to a safe place... It hit time to go home... upon arrival I finished up the kitchen stuff and matt made breakfast... then to bed...
Sunday started a new day for me... a new path on the journey... breakfast went well and clean up was a breeze... but as I prepared to leave Master handed me back my old collar... I stopped in my tracks and knew what I needed to do... do after the pictures I asked Master to speak privately... I thanked him for everything he did for me over the weekend... then handed the collar back to him... he asked its origin... I thought for a bit then told him it was security, safety for me... that I didn't need it or want it because what was around my neck now was all the security and safety that I need. He accepted it back... and it was time to say good bye until next friday for DC Leather Pride...
and so "The Journey Continues"
Friday, May 28, 2010
05/28/10
I head over to Master's after work today for the weekend. I love spending time there if so homelike... so comfortable! didn't get much sleep last night, had to finish the cake... hoping to make it early tonight... but we will see...
not much else going on... except I'm excited about seeing everyone tomorrow!
Mom is home. Got home last night around 5ish... it's nice having her there...
not much else going on... except I'm excited about seeing everyone tomorrow!
Mom is home. Got home last night around 5ish... it's nice having her there...
Thursday, May 27, 2010
5/27/10
schedule for Wednesday:
5:00am at work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm at storage unit to find baking stuff and folding tables
5:30pm Dinner
7:00pm BJ and Giants run
9:30pm bed
HAHAHAHA ROFLMAO
Well I got it all done... and added in spending 2 hours in Emergency with mom... I left at 10pm and they hadn't even seen her yet... around midnight a call came in... dehydration... she got a virus of some kind on Sunday and it just took over.
Today I'm exhausted but I still have a lot of work to do... I need to leave early to get the picture done so I can finish the cake... then prep the 4 containers of strawberries and do the veggie stuffing for the mushroom caps (Ms. Khiki and slave jez should enjoy those!)
Topic for today... wow... I guess it's the nerves that have kicked in due to the weekend... happenings... I know it's the start of a small hill in my journey but the first step seems to be so hard. So many questions - am I ready for this? will it work out? Will if fill the desires? will I meet the expectations of Master? will I meet my expectations?
5:00am at work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm at storage unit to find baking stuff and folding tables
5:30pm Dinner
7:00pm BJ and Giants run
9:30pm bed
HAHAHAHA ROFLMAO
Well I got it all done... and added in spending 2 hours in Emergency with mom... I left at 10pm and they hadn't even seen her yet... around midnight a call came in... dehydration... she got a virus of some kind on Sunday and it just took over.
Today I'm exhausted but I still have a lot of work to do... I need to leave early to get the picture done so I can finish the cake... then prep the 4 containers of strawberries and do the veggie stuffing for the mushroom caps (Ms. Khiki and slave jez should enjoy those!)
Topic for today... wow... I guess it's the nerves that have kicked in due to the weekend... happenings... I know it's the start of a small hill in my journey but the first step seems to be so hard. So many questions - am I ready for this? will it work out? Will if fill the desires? will I meet the expectations of Master? will I meet my expectations?
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
5/26/10
I had a great time at Master Taino's last night, eddy and I finished the deck in about 1 1/2 hours... it looks great!!! met two great guys that stopped over for dinner... woof! to bad they work for the other side :( lol... just a great evening...
Now to the topic of the day:
This is something that I am revisiting because it seems to still be an issue with me... How do I ask for something that I want? I wish I could pinpoint the reason. I find it impossible to ask to be flogged, to be played with, to be touched... After my last chat about this I found that it has to do in part with the way I was raised... simply to not beg for something that I want... it was just something that one didn't do... even now when I get the feeling that I would like a flogging or whatever the feelings of I shouldn't disturb him with such a little thing, he's to busy, what if he has time planned for someone else? I'm not as important as other's in the house... I realize in typing those how silly they may seem but honestly they are real feelings...
I feel like such a looser writing that... the answer is so simple... just ask... I know that in my head... but my heart rules differently. My heart worries about others more than me. I sometimes wonder about the responsibility of the Master in deciding who plays and when the play happens... I have to be honest, I don't know Master well enough to know his feelings and thoughs about this... a learning curve again... I seem to get stuck in the learning curve relationships... lol it sucks! now there is honesty!
ARGH!!! frustrating!
well time to get some work done!
schedule for Wednesday:
5:00am at work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm at storage unit to find baking stuff and folding tables
5:30pm Dinner
7:00pm BJ and Giants run
9:30pm bed
schedule for Thursday:
5:00am work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm Wegmans to get picture printed
3:00pm home - decorate cake
5:30pm dinner
7:00pm finish cake, prep strawberries for saturday
9:00pm gather cloths and stuff for weekend
10:00pm bed
schedule for Friday:
5:00am work - deliver cake
2:00pm leave
2:15pm to Master's for the weekend
slave paul
Now to the topic of the day:
This is something that I am revisiting because it seems to still be an issue with me... How do I ask for something that I want? I wish I could pinpoint the reason. I find it impossible to ask to be flogged, to be played with, to be touched... After my last chat about this I found that it has to do in part with the way I was raised... simply to not beg for something that I want... it was just something that one didn't do... even now when I get the feeling that I would like a flogging or whatever the feelings of I shouldn't disturb him with such a little thing, he's to busy, what if he has time planned for someone else? I'm not as important as other's in the house... I realize in typing those how silly they may seem but honestly they are real feelings...
I feel like such a looser writing that... the answer is so simple... just ask... I know that in my head... but my heart rules differently. My heart worries about others more than me. I sometimes wonder about the responsibility of the Master in deciding who plays and when the play happens... I have to be honest, I don't know Master well enough to know his feelings and thoughs about this... a learning curve again... I seem to get stuck in the learning curve relationships... lol it sucks! now there is honesty!
ARGH!!! frustrating!
well time to get some work done!
schedule for Wednesday:
5:00am at work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm at storage unit to find baking stuff and folding tables
5:30pm Dinner
7:00pm BJ and Giants run
9:30pm bed
schedule for Thursday:
5:00am work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm Wegmans to get picture printed
3:00pm home - decorate cake
5:30pm dinner
7:00pm finish cake, prep strawberries for saturday
9:00pm gather cloths and stuff for weekend
10:00pm bed
schedule for Friday:
5:00am work - deliver cake
2:00pm leave
2:15pm to Master's for the weekend
slave paul
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A new path
This weekend starts a new path for me... Service to Guardian Master Taino... I'm beginning to better understand all that is encompassed in that title. Guide, Mentor, Master, Confidant all rolled into one. For me it's a bit harder, I won't be His slave but instead just in service to... I can honestly say I don't know how that will wash out. It leads to a thread on AOS - can a slave be a slave without a Master? is doing so, is serving the community just pacifying the need and desire to serve? I leave open the door to applying for a slave position in the house... it just won't be for a while... There is still healing to occure... my new vest has been ordered ARGH 4-6 weeks... but that's ok... Marvelous Mayhem does great work and he's pushing it through because it's for Master Taino... $175 isn't too bad either! I look forward to having the large patch on the back and the nametag on the front...
I'm looking forward to seeing the family that I am now a part of... Lord Brick, slave lara, Sir Ross, Lady Lynette & slave llamb, Mistress Mary and slave chris, Master David and slave talilia, Master Jake and slave lara... what a wonderful group! and how can I leave out my brothers... david and matt... I wouldn't be around if it were not for their friendship and support...
well time to get back to work...
I'm looking forward to seeing the family that I am now a part of... Lord Brick, slave lara, Sir Ross, Lady Lynette & slave llamb, Mistress Mary and slave chris, Master David and slave talilia, Master Jake and slave lara... what a wonderful group! and how can I leave out my brothers... david and matt... I wouldn't be around if it were not for their friendship and support...
well time to get back to work...
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