6/28/2010

For what was supposed to be a quiet weekend I'm sure glad to be at work to get some rest. Plan was to get some needed house stuff done then go out sunday as a family... well we did but wow... it was just non-stop!

From the Well:
To Listen and to Hear… two words that are so often used interchangeably… but shouldn’t because the mean different things… one can Hear noise or words but very often don’t listen to them. How often have people asked did you hear that bird? You may have heard a noise but didn’t listen to distinguish the sound of a particular bird… what a loss. How many times have you heard the words spoken by a person and still been accused of misunderstanding them? Were you listening to the intention of the words? Some, including myself feel that this happens in writing too.
Last week you said that I worry too much about the future… I agree I do. Do you know why I do? Not many do… My first three Masters that I served weren’t really Masters at all Dominants ok… that they were. They wanted a houseboy, someone to clean, do laundry, do lawn work… that was it. There was no emotional tie allowed… back then I was a servant not a slave as we know it. I was collared… wrongly but collared none-the-less. It wasn’t what I needed or was looking for but not knowing better allowed it to happen… Thus a lot of confusion and hurt. The fourth began by building a relationship and wanting the houseboy aspect too… it worked for a while… but then turned. When things weren’t done to his liking he became abusive… what I then saw as punishment quickly turned to abuse… I was spanked beyond any limits we set… and I was used hard sexually. In one simple term abused. I finally took all I could and took off the collar and gave it back, never to turn and look back. Master #5 went back to the houseboy stuff and that ended quickly… then came Master Larry… well enough said there.
So as I enter this relationship yes I’m going to worry about the future. There’s more to me than a houseboy… You said something when you stood before the family and spoke on May 28th… you said that you saw a need for me to belong … a need to be loved… you were right more than you knew. I’ve served 6 Masters… not one has loved me for the slave that I know is inside.
Slave matt asked if I was ok last week, I told him that I felt lost… I felt like I was in a tunnel with two openings… the one behind me leads to that empty, alone, useless feeling … in front was the sign of peace and happiness, being truly loved as a slave, having that Master that would say from their heart that they are proud to own me as theirs… and I’m somewhere in the middle with no path… Let's face it, I'm 44 soon to be 45 and have yet to realize that which i seek...
In one of my last journals I brought up the notion of a contract… why? To answer questions such as what is the definition of Guardian Master and “slave in service”? What do those terms mean in regards to you and to me? Where is your line drawn between slave and slave in service? What kind of relationship do you envision between yourself and a slave in service? Or is there one?
You stated that I worry too much… and you are right… now do you better understand why I do? In my life and job it is up to me to see the big picture or at least understand the focus of the picture. When I don’t have that I either wander aimlessly or worry. It’s part of who I am.