Trying to get back to writing on a regular basis... seems I need to... for my sanity and open communication.
Updates:
Dad: Today is the day... I leave work and pick up mom then off to finalize the paperwork... then get dad and the last of his stuff then home we go! I'm looking forward to not traveling so much... but am also worried about the stress it is going to put on mom... only time will tell...
House in Maine: Haven't heard from Tanya yet concerning the house in Maine yet... I'm getting a bit concerned. Might have Anne give her a buzz and see what's up.
Stress and health: Two topics I don't like talking about. The stress in the house is up to a blow up point... it won't take much for me to pop off and blow. Why Anne needs to put mom in the middle of everything I'll never know but what I do know is she will not bury my mother because of her actions... I will fight to the bitter end to save mom... dad being home will intervene so that will help.
From the well: First let me preface this with a disclosure... I am not mad, I am not depressed, or anything like that, I'm just in a place that I need clarification. So I am going to breach the topics on my mind openly and heartfelt.
I love my time at Master's. Period! for me it is a time of centering and a place for me to serve and express the true me... the slave that lies deep in my heart. But over time I have had the opportunity to observe some trends that bother me. First are the interns. I've enjoyed meeting all of them but I have noticed one reoccurring trait, that of initiative. Speaking from a point of never going through an "internship" per se I don't know what they are told as part of entering the house but it seems that all of them spend their time bored and inactive. I hear the same thing over and over... "I'm bored there's nothing to really do." ... yet I walk in the house and see dirty floors, dusty furniture, lawns that need tending, gardens that need tending and a number of other projects that could be completed. Recently when I posed the question "So when is the lawn getting done?" I was put back with the response "That's your job!"... Internally I hit the ceiling... I just shut up and eventually mowed the lawn... Why does everyone wait for Master to tell them what to do? Where is the pride of serving? Where is the pride of keeping Master's home clean and spot on? Why has that become such a chore? I love all the guys... but where is the responsibility?
The above is the reason it hurts to sit and listen to their play time and one on one time with Master. Allow me to explain my point of view in depth. For me, private time with Master has always been something earned. If things didn't get done, if things were not kept to a level of expectation then that gift from Master wasn't there. But if things were kept up and the level of expectation was met and/or exceeded Master had the option of giving that special gift to his slave... That's the reason I will never ask or beg for dungeon time... for me it's a gift offered by Master.
OK... this is all well and good... but it comes with a dark side... it comes with the feelings of inadequacies. When I sit and listen to the same complaining slaves that are bored telling me of thier time that they were granted with Master and read their blogs about being sent to other Master's houses for four or five days "to get to know them better"... I can't help but to wonder what I did wrong... and when large projects are completed were they not good enough? what did I do that was not pleasing to Master?
I feel a need to add an addendum here... I totally understand that at an advanced age one isn't expected to be up to flogging, paddling or what other impact activity there is... I have flogged before and understand the energy that it requires... and I totally understand that daily activities are in times grueling and tiring. But on the other side is the use of other forms of time... cuddling, shackles, bondage, needles, cuffs, cbt and electricity are not as draining and hard on the body... but fill the same need. Then there is the necessary communication time... all a positive reinforcement of the Master/slave relationship.
Master, I know I am not your slave. I have been reminded of this fact many times. But I need you to understand that maybe in terminology I'm not YOUR slave but my heart speaks very differently... You are my Master, You are the one to which I submit and yield who I am to... I will do whatever you ask and more if allowed... but I need that Master on the other side... When I moved to California, after a year of serving and chatting online, leaving everything for someone that said they would be there for me, I found a Master that spent 90% of thier day behind a computer screen, chatting and playing online... what I didn't find was a Master that was there in person in the present... So after a month f serving my need to serve and proving that I could in fact serve 24/7 I left and returned home triumphant and not beaten... Master, I don't want to leave your house, I know that I am home when with you... I know I want to be there with you... please allow me that.
In Service and Leather,
Your slave paul
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