9/15/2010

Self Esteem...

What do I think about me and believe that people see with me...
also known as the root of all my evils! It never really hurts until someone holds up a mirror and forces you to look hard at who you really are...

what I see... I've grown up fat all my life... big boned... hell FAT... I've always been on some sort of diet... that evil word! also the reason none have worked! People see me today and I hear the comments "he'd do so much better if he just lost weight", "I don't want you as my slave because you are so out of shape", "just stop eating so much", "WOW... you take a 48 shirt??? I only take a XX", "we don't have that size here, you need a BIG and tall shop". If these people only knew me some 20+ years ago when I tipped the scale at 450+ lbs they would think very different of me but all they see is fat now. Why the weight? the diabetes, sugar clogs the cleansing process keeping the fat in the body. I realized when I was diagnosed that my life needed to change drastically, I stopped the diets! I just cut back, I got on a regiem of meds for the sugar levels and started to exercise, walking in fact... but do people care about that now? no... they see a fat, old man. I see half a person from what I used to be. I see a path to success but also a very lonely one.
Society sucks when it comes to that... you could have Masters degrees in 4 or 5 subjects but be overweight and forget going anywhere in life - and oh yes this goes to the Master/slave relationship too...

Master Larry was the worst. It was a daily thing to be belittled for not working up to his expectations and feelings of what I should do ... but ask him and you will hear how he never tried to change who I was. In looking back that's all he tried to do.

I feel like all my life I've worked towards pleasing everyone else, taking care of thier needs, serving them, always leaving me to take what was left, if anything. I suppose this was due to dad being gane... I was the man of the house... the provider... not the taker... mom and anne needed everything... I could do without... scary thing was that it was allowed to happen! But it's all Ive known...

I feel so very torn, I was brought up with no middle road... mom cared for and accepted me and dad was just never there to accept me. Even when he was there he wasn't. He always managed to belittle me every chance he had for whatever reason he could find. Some of the Masters that I had did the exact same thing... was I then looking for that father? I don't know...

I know I have a lot to deal with... a lot to contemplate and a lot to come to terms with...