I know a lot of people don't like Facebook but it becomes truely heartwarming when you recieve of 40 Birthday wishes from people that you know and some you only know online... it goes to show that there are people out there that do actually care. It also goes to show that my life has touched people to a point that they remember me and care enough to reach out.
It's a good lesson to look at all those folks and what they say and feel about me then to read my last blog ... what a different perspective ...
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
9/15/2010
Self Esteem...
What do I think about me and believe that people see with me...
also known as the root of all my evils! It never really hurts until someone holds up a mirror and forces you to look hard at who you really are...
what I see... I've grown up fat all my life... big boned... hell FAT... I've always been on some sort of diet... that evil word! also the reason none have worked! People see me today and I hear the comments "he'd do so much better if he just lost weight", "I don't want you as my slave because you are so out of shape", "just stop eating so much", "WOW... you take a 48 shirt??? I only take a XX", "we don't have that size here, you need a BIG and tall shop". If these people only knew me some 20+ years ago when I tipped the scale at 450+ lbs they would think very different of me but all they see is fat now. Why the weight? the diabetes, sugar clogs the cleansing process keeping the fat in the body. I realized when I was diagnosed that my life needed to change drastically, I stopped the diets! I just cut back, I got on a regiem of meds for the sugar levels and started to exercise, walking in fact... but do people care about that now? no... they see a fat, old man. I see half a person from what I used to be. I see a path to success but also a very lonely one.
Society sucks when it comes to that... you could have Masters degrees in 4 or 5 subjects but be overweight and forget going anywhere in life - and oh yes this goes to the Master/slave relationship too...
Master Larry was the worst. It was a daily thing to be belittled for not working up to his expectations and feelings of what I should do ... but ask him and you will hear how he never tried to change who I was. In looking back that's all he tried to do.
I feel like all my life I've worked towards pleasing everyone else, taking care of thier needs, serving them, always leaving me to take what was left, if anything. I suppose this was due to dad being gane... I was the man of the house... the provider... not the taker... mom and anne needed everything... I could do without... scary thing was that it was allowed to happen! But it's all Ive known...
I feel so very torn, I was brought up with no middle road... mom cared for and accepted me and dad was just never there to accept me. Even when he was there he wasn't. He always managed to belittle me every chance he had for whatever reason he could find. Some of the Masters that I had did the exact same thing... was I then looking for that father? I don't know...
I know I have a lot to deal with... a lot to contemplate and a lot to come to terms with...
What do I think about me and believe that people see with me...
also known as the root of all my evils! It never really hurts until someone holds up a mirror and forces you to look hard at who you really are...
what I see... I've grown up fat all my life... big boned... hell FAT... I've always been on some sort of diet... that evil word! also the reason none have worked! People see me today and I hear the comments "he'd do so much better if he just lost weight", "I don't want you as my slave because you are so out of shape", "just stop eating so much", "WOW... you take a 48 shirt??? I only take a XX", "we don't have that size here, you need a BIG and tall shop". If these people only knew me some 20+ years ago when I tipped the scale at 450+ lbs they would think very different of me but all they see is fat now. Why the weight? the diabetes, sugar clogs the cleansing process keeping the fat in the body. I realized when I was diagnosed that my life needed to change drastically, I stopped the diets! I just cut back, I got on a regiem of meds for the sugar levels and started to exercise, walking in fact... but do people care about that now? no... they see a fat, old man. I see half a person from what I used to be. I see a path to success but also a very lonely one.
Society sucks when it comes to that... you could have Masters degrees in 4 or 5 subjects but be overweight and forget going anywhere in life - and oh yes this goes to the Master/slave relationship too...
Master Larry was the worst. It was a daily thing to be belittled for not working up to his expectations and feelings of what I should do ... but ask him and you will hear how he never tried to change who I was. In looking back that's all he tried to do.
I feel like all my life I've worked towards pleasing everyone else, taking care of thier needs, serving them, always leaving me to take what was left, if anything. I suppose this was due to dad being gane... I was the man of the house... the provider... not the taker... mom and anne needed everything... I could do without... scary thing was that it was allowed to happen! But it's all Ive known...
I feel so very torn, I was brought up with no middle road... mom cared for and accepted me and dad was just never there to accept me. Even when he was there he wasn't. He always managed to belittle me every chance he had for whatever reason he could find. Some of the Masters that I had did the exact same thing... was I then looking for that father? I don't know...
I know I have a lot to deal with... a lot to contemplate and a lot to come to terms with...
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
09/08/2010
One week later from my last post I find so many questions that need to be answered... but first ... the conference and week prior to:
The week before was fun, getting everything pulled together. Tempers did fly high from time to time but this was expected and delt with accordingly. The move to the hotel went pretty well... I do believe everything made it! Late nights and early mornings soon became part of our lives.
Thursday and Friday were very busy days, making sure everything was where it needed to be and ran just the way it was supposed to run... of course there were scheduling issues to deal with and again tempers flaired... but in the end the work got done.
The classes I attended and worked at were all great and well received. A few of them hit harder than others but given what I am going through right now seems to be appropriate.
This year for some reason I left the conference with mixed emotions... all in all it was a good conference... but I got bogged down in questions such as in looking at my slavery there are aspects that are fulfilled, but then there are emotional aspects that are not fulfilled. How does one approach this and not be confrontational or hurtful?
There is a lot to discuss ... all of this comes together with the idea of having in Massters hand a printout of a letter that explains this and what I seek... May the greate universe deem our journey important enough to guide.
The week before was fun, getting everything pulled together. Tempers did fly high from time to time but this was expected and delt with accordingly. The move to the hotel went pretty well... I do believe everything made it! Late nights and early mornings soon became part of our lives.
Thursday and Friday were very busy days, making sure everything was where it needed to be and ran just the way it was supposed to run... of course there were scheduling issues to deal with and again tempers flaired... but in the end the work got done.
The classes I attended and worked at were all great and well received. A few of them hit harder than others but given what I am going through right now seems to be appropriate.
This year for some reason I left the conference with mixed emotions... all in all it was a good conference... but I got bogged down in questions such as in looking at my slavery there are aspects that are fulfilled, but then there are emotional aspects that are not fulfilled. How does one approach this and not be confrontational or hurtful?
There is a lot to discuss ... all of this comes together with the idea of having in Massters hand a printout of a letter that explains this and what I seek... May the greate universe deem our journey important enough to guide.
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