I'm really happy that you were pleased with my service this past weekend. Hearing that means the world to me. But not for the reasons you may think. You see... one of my deamons is that I tend to question my abilities and second guess my decisions. I didn't realize I was doing this Friday and Saturday until after the formal dinner while everyone ate I sat in the garage and fell apart... being as tired as I was and the stress of everything finally took it's toll and it all spilled out. Luckily no one knew or found out. It's hard facing that this is something I do and I'm not real sure why it happens... I guess it stems from never really being able to measure up to dads expectations always wondering if it or I would be good enough for him always knowing that it and I would never be. To this day he still doesn't understand how much he has hurt me over the years. I'm just happy everything worked out under budget and in a more healthier way.
On another note, Sir I'd like to look ahead at the upcoming functions to see what you would like me to attend...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
An odd dream that leads to a question....
I had a long involved dream last night that led me to getting up late this morning... not a good way to start a tuesday.
The dream was a review of the weekend at CK, but focused on two areas... our scene on friday and the cathartic flogging class on sunday. I looked at our scene, powerful and energy filled. A very moving time for me and from what I've read in the fetlife messages, touched many others. In looking at the scene, and the majority of our scenes, one thing holds true for me... I'm not vocal and not a big mover... I shift area as I process the energy and for shere comfort... that's about it.
The dream then turned to the class and words that you spoke about how you work off of the release that people show... the animal release, the laughing, the crying, the outburst... I often wonder if it's because my release isn't of the norm that you have never asked me to do a class with you... I understand that nine years of whips, floggers and energy work has taught me to process in a more controlled manner and that probably isn't what you want people to witness... it's more dramatic to have the vocal and movement aspect...
I no longer feel that I'm "not doing it right" because I don't vocalize during our scenes... and I feel that you have tapped into my energy and are able to accept it and work with it as much as I have learned to accept yours.
Master, our time together is special to me... it is the intimacy that I need from you... as an aside... one of my biggest highlights was on Saturday when I sat next to you in the dungeon and you put your arm around me... I wish I could explain how I felt during that time... that connection, that intimacy... Thank you for that Master... it was so appreciated.
The dream was a review of the weekend at CK, but focused on two areas... our scene on friday and the cathartic flogging class on sunday. I looked at our scene, powerful and energy filled. A very moving time for me and from what I've read in the fetlife messages, touched many others. In looking at the scene, and the majority of our scenes, one thing holds true for me... I'm not vocal and not a big mover... I shift area as I process the energy and for shere comfort... that's about it.
The dream then turned to the class and words that you spoke about how you work off of the release that people show... the animal release, the laughing, the crying, the outburst... I often wonder if it's because my release isn't of the norm that you have never asked me to do a class with you... I understand that nine years of whips, floggers and energy work has taught me to process in a more controlled manner and that probably isn't what you want people to witness... it's more dramatic to have the vocal and movement aspect...
I no longer feel that I'm "not doing it right" because I don't vocalize during our scenes... and I feel that you have tapped into my energy and are able to accept it and work with it as much as I have learned to accept yours.
Master, our time together is special to me... it is the intimacy that I need from you... as an aside... one of my biggest highlights was on Saturday when I sat next to you in the dungeon and you put your arm around me... I wish I could explain how I felt during that time... that connection, that intimacy... Thank you for that Master... it was so appreciated.
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