The Journey Continues

11/17/2010

2010-11-15T07:37:00.006-05:00

It's been a while... processing tends to be an unexact science, there is no telling just how long it will take.

This past weekend served to prove something I've been feeling over the past few weeks. This weekend I was able to spend quite a bit of time with slave henry. During the movie we watched in the slave session I sat in one of the easy chairs with henry at my feet... he moved my leg to wrap his body and placed his head on my lap, I took the time to caress his head and shoulders and just be there for him as he was for me. We spent the majority of time in that embrace as we watched the shows. Nothing more than that happened but I realized that indeed my life has been empty since my ex and I separated ways. I guess that is what I see missing in my current relationship with Master. while the service part of my being is fulfilled beyond imagination the other side... the emotional connection side just isn't there. I can't blame him and I understand why it is. But I am still left empty.

I have been chatting with a guy in Alexandria. Ric, 49 years old, not in to the M/s thing (as he put it) but is supportive of my need to be a slave in my day to day life. I'm actually glad he isn't in the life because it will be easier to keep the two separated... Master will be Master and boyfriend will be boyfriend... if that happens.

Master Jake mentioned that he hasn't forgotten about our chat and definately wants to continue it. I took the liberty to ask him for a play date down the road... I'm sure he will request this through Master first which is fine with me. I'd really like to see slave chris, slave matt, Master jake and myself get together on a monthly basis to do Tai Chi or whatever form of Martial arts it works out to be... and maybe even work on smaller groups more local. It seems that the Martial Arts movement lends itself to the focus and structure that compliments the M/s relationship... not to mention the zen and mindfulness that is instilled in the practice.

Well I guess that is enough for now it's time for work...

10/13/2010

2010-10-13T06:30:00.002-04:00

A really good class last night and a great topic!

I sat there during the class thinking how much I'm missing the "contact" and headspace that I had with M Larry and some of the other M's that I've served. Even though I didn't get a response from M Larry I knew that he had the opportunity to read the text message that I sent in the morning, noon and night. It kept me in that headspace that place of knowing that Master was there and it was him that I served day in and day out...

I thought a lot last night on the way home about writing this blog/communication to express a desire to return to that... ok maybe not to the three times a day routine that I was in... but maybe a mid day text or email to say "hi" and to let you know where I'm at on that particular day. It would also open some communication when you are away.

When Master David asked us to do that little exercise I mentioned how important that greating time was to me, and how not being there all the time it became even more special and important to me... Unlike sl david and sl matt I don't have a mantra or daily connection time to keep me connected and centered... and yes I know that I'm not your slave and you are under no obligation to accept this proposal along with the fact that you are not real big on texting... but it is something to discuss or work on in the near future...

sp

10/12/10

2010-10-12T09:36:00.003-04:00

"What do I want?"
I've been asked that question so many times and have had answers in my head but have never sat down and written them out... so here goes!

In life:
In today's society we are supposed to be in a good career, make good money and be successful. For me that is not important. I make enough to be comfortable, I have a small savings account that allows me the little extras I like ... that make me happy. My job is fun and the people are great. So being content is a big plus.
In Health:
I am alive and not in pain... what more can I ask for? OK so I'm not the picture of perfect health... I wasn't made that way. I was made to have challenges. Being a diabetic offers that. The point I believe is that I take care of myself... I eat well and exercise - I don't smoke, do drugs or abuse my body... I am at peace with that.
In Religion:
This becomes a sore topic on the home front! I was born and raised in a Catholic household. But never accepted in my religion... let's face it gays are not accepted openly in a lot of places. But my faith is strong. Master Steve has guided me to Buddhism. A simple straight forward faith. Be true to yourself and to those around you... be who you are! I consider myself a Christian Buddhist and happy with that choise.
In Relationship:
What I want used to be clearly defined as to what I want in a partner. I still find myself longing for that closeness but sway rapidly when I am centered on my slavery. It confuses me sometimes to the point that I opt to have nothing. All the while knowing in my heart that I need someone.
In a Master:
What I want mostly is someone to lead me on my journey. Someone that is willing while on this journey to accept what I am willing to give him. Someone that will accept the service I can give, someone that will accept my heart. A play-partner, someone that will learn to read my movement and allow our time together to be a dance of energy, someone that will allow a deep heart-fealt connection to happen. Someone that will touch the depths of my soul and only ask for me to grow.
In my slavery:
I set my standards very high when it comes to what I want... I want only the best. I want that connection, I want that love, I want that peace, I want the knowledge of the ages, I want it all and know that I will only get what I am willing to give... so I give everything.

9/22/2010

2010-09-22T09:33:00.002-04:00

I know a lot of people don't like Facebook but it becomes truely heartwarming when you recieve of 40 Birthday wishes from people that you know and some you only know online... it goes to show that there are people out there that do actually care. It also goes to show that my life has touched people to a point that they remember me and care enough to reach out.

It's a good lesson to look at all those folks and what they say and feel about me then to read my last blog ... what a different perspective ...

9/15/2010

2010-09-15T08:55:00.006-04:00

Self Esteem...

What do I think about me and believe that people see with me...
also known as the root of all my evils! It never really hurts until someone holds up a mirror and forces you to look hard at who you really are...

what I see... I've grown up fat all my life... big boned... hell FAT... I've always been on some sort of diet... that evil word! also the reason none have worked! People see me today and I hear the comments "he'd do so much better if he just lost weight", "I don't want you as my slave because you are so out of shape", "just stop eating so much", "WOW... you take a 48 shirt??? I only take a XX", "we don't have that size here, you need a BIG and tall shop". If these people only knew me some 20+ years ago when I tipped the scale at 450+ lbs they would think very different of me but all they see is fat now. Why the weight? the diabetes, sugar clogs the cleansing process keeping the fat in the body. I realized when I was diagnosed that my life needed to change drastically, I stopped the diets! I just cut back, I got on a regiem of meds for the sugar levels and started to exercise, walking in fact... but do people care about that now? no... they see a fat, old man. I see half a person from what I used to be. I see a path to success but also a very lonely one.
Society sucks when it comes to that... you could have Masters degrees in 4 or 5 subjects but be overweight and forget going anywhere in life - and oh yes this goes to the Master/slave relationship too...

Master Larry was the worst. It was a daily thing to be belittled for not working up to his expectations and feelings of what I should do ... but ask him and you will hear how he never tried to change who I was. In looking back that's all he tried to do.

I feel like all my life I've worked towards pleasing everyone else, taking care of thier needs, serving them, always leaving me to take what was left, if anything. I suppose this was due to dad being gane... I was the man of the house... the provider... not the taker... mom and anne needed everything... I could do without... scary thing was that it was allowed to happen! But it's all Ive known...

I feel so very torn, I was brought up with no middle road... mom cared for and accepted me and dad was just never there to accept me. Even when he was there he wasn't. He always managed to belittle me every chance he had for whatever reason he could find. Some of the Masters that I had did the exact same thing... was I then looking for that father? I don't know...

I know I have a lot to deal with... a lot to contemplate and a lot to come to terms with...

09/08/2010

2010-09-08T08:39:00.003-04:00

One week later from my last post I find so many questions that need to be answered... but first ... the conference and week prior to:

The week before was fun, getting everything pulled together. Tempers did fly high from time to time but this was expected and delt with accordingly. The move to the hotel went pretty well... I do believe everything made it! Late nights and early mornings soon became part of our lives.

Thursday and Friday were very busy days, making sure everything was where it needed to be and ran just the way it was supposed to run... of course there were scheduling issues to deal with and again tempers flaired... but in the end the work got done.

The classes I attended and worked at were all great and well received. A few of them hit harder than others but given what I am going through right now seems to be appropriate.

This year for some reason I left the conference with mixed emotions... all in all it was a good conference... but I got bogged down in questions such as in looking at my slavery there are aspects that are fulfilled, but then there are emotional aspects that are not fulfilled. How does one approach this and not be confrontational or hurtful?

There is a lot to discuss ... all of this comes together with the idea of having in Massters hand a printout of a letter that explains this and what I seek... May the greate universe deem our journey important enough to guide.

8/31/2010

2010-08-31T09:12:00.002-04:00

I figured it out!!! I have been so perplexed as to why my blogs are misinterpreted... I used to have two blogs... I would sit and explode on the screen... life in the raw so to speak... fealings, emotions, fears and joys all there for ME to see! Then I would sit back relax then type a blog that was more cohesive and rational ... without the emotional overtones... edited? not really - Filtered is a better term. I really don't know if I prefer to be questioned on my blogs or know that they are not as transparent as I want them to be... I'm almost to point that I would prefer the transperancy over the hiding - not to mention that I don't really like doing two blogs!

Wow... I can't believe it's conference time again... excited is an understatement! Daddy Don has been wonderful and also great to chat with concerning life in general... His outlook on church resonates deeply with me coming from the same background. Sir Brian, He's just as wonderful as he was the first day Master Curtis introduced us... I often wonder what would have happened had I petitioned him... hmmmm... Boy Johnathan... WOOF!!! he is so nice... I like him a lot!

The petition... for me... wow - yes it was hard, it was a major step out of a comfort zone... As I told you I don't ask for or beg for things redily... so to ask for your collar was a huge thing but something told me it was the right time ... that letter has been on my computer now for almost two months and I had planned to keep it there for another two... but that didn't happen. I know that there is a lot to talk about and a lot to think about and that will happen later... after the conference.

well back to work! lots to do to cover thursday and friday... Lovin Life!!!

08/19/2010

2010-08-19T06:51:00.003-04:00

Trying to get back to writing on a regular basis... seems I need to... for my sanity and open communication.

Updates:
Dad: Today is the day... I leave work and pick up mom then off to finalize the paperwork... then get dad and the last of his stuff then home we go! I'm looking forward to not traveling so much... but am also worried about the stress it is going to put on mom... only time will tell...
House in Maine: Haven't heard from Tanya yet concerning the house in Maine yet... I'm getting a bit concerned. Might have Anne give her a buzz and see what's up.
Stress and health: Two topics I don't like talking about. The stress in the house is up to a blow up point... it won't take much for me to pop off and blow. Why Anne needs to put mom in the middle of everything I'll never know but what I do know is she will not bury my mother because of her actions... I will fight to the bitter end to save mom... dad being home will intervene so that will help.

From the well: First let me preface this with a disclosure... I am not mad, I am not depressed, or anything like that, I'm just in a place that I need clarification. So I am going to breach the topics on my mind openly and heartfelt.

I love my time at Master's. Period! for me it is a time of centering and a place for me to serve and express the true me... the slave that lies deep in my heart. But over time I have had the opportunity to observe some trends that bother me. First are the interns. I've enjoyed meeting all of them but I have noticed one reoccurring trait, that of initiative. Speaking from a point of never going through an "internship" per se I don't know what they are told as part of entering the house but it seems that all of them spend their time bored and inactive. I hear the same thing over and over... "I'm bored there's nothing to really do." ... yet I walk in the house and see dirty floors, dusty furniture, lawns that need tending, gardens that need tending and a number of other projects that could be completed. Recently when I posed the question "So when is the lawn getting done?" I was put back with the response "That's your job!"... Internally I hit the ceiling... I just shut up and eventually mowed the lawn... Why does everyone wait for Master to tell them what to do? Where is the pride of serving? Where is the pride of keeping Master's home clean and spot on? Why has that become such a chore? I love all the guys... but where is the responsibility?
The above is the reason it hurts to sit and listen to their play time and one on one time with Master. Allow me to explain my point of view in depth. For me, private time with Master has always been something earned. If things didn't get done, if things were not kept to a level of expectation then that gift from Master wasn't there. But if things were kept up and the level of expectation was met and/or exceeded Master had the option of giving that special gift to his slave... That's the reason I will never ask or beg for dungeon time... for me it's a gift offered by Master.
OK... this is all well and good... but it comes with a dark side... it comes with the feelings of inadequacies. When I sit and listen to the same complaining slaves that are bored telling me of thier time that they were granted with Master and read their blogs about being sent to other Master's houses for four or five days "to get to know them better"... I can't help but to wonder what I did wrong... and when large projects are completed were they not good enough? what did I do that was not pleasing to Master?
I feel a need to add an addendum here... I totally understand that at an advanced age one isn't expected to be up to flogging, paddling or what other impact activity there is... I have flogged before and understand the energy that it requires... and I totally understand that daily activities are in times grueling and tiring. But on the other side is the use of other forms of time... cuddling, shackles, bondage, needles, cuffs, cbt and electricity are not as draining and hard on the body... but fill the same need. Then there is the necessary communication time... all a positive reinforcement of the Master/slave relationship.
Master, I know I am not your slave. I have been reminded of this fact many times. But I need you to understand that maybe in terminology I'm not YOUR slave but my heart speaks very differently... You are my Master, You are the one to which I submit and yield who I am to... I will do whatever you ask and more if allowed... but I need that Master on the other side... When I moved to California, after a year of serving and chatting online, leaving everything for someone that said they would be there for me, I found a Master that spent 90% of thier day behind a computer screen, chatting and playing online... what I didn't find was a Master that was there in person in the present... So after a month f serving my need to serve and proving that I could in fact serve 24/7 I left and returned home triumphant and not beaten... Master, I don't want to leave your house, I know that I am home when with you... I know I want to be there with you... please allow me that.

In Service and Leather,
Your slave paul

08/17/2010

2010-08-17T07:19:00.002-04:00

Whew! Survived another monday! LOL
Dad update... he comes home thursday... It will be nice to have him home and not have to travel out to Manassas five or six times a week. It's amazing how tiring that gets but beyond that he is doing great and will be much happier at home to heal completely.

The house in Maine is officially back on the market. I hope that it sells quick because things are frayed and stressed at the house... in short it's time to get out. As much as I would like to get my own place now I can't leave mom there alone with Anne & Steve... Mom and Dad don't deserve the crap that they dish out!

Today it's my day off from the house issues... it's off to Master's after work for some S&L (service and Leather) time... It's hard to realize that I live my life from service time to service time... just surviving what falls in between those dates. But it is what keeps me solid and centered, alive in who I choose to be.

sl paul

8/16/2010

2010-08-16T06:40:00.002-04:00

15 days since I last wrote with a lot of questioning going on with few answers to fill in the blanks...

I've been spending a lot of time in a quiet meditation/centering space seeking direction, seeking that path of enlightenment. While I love serving, am I in turn being fed? It's a hard question to answer. In fact I don't believe there is a definative yes or no because there are so many aspects to the question. Is my need to serve being fed? yes that's about it... I'm not even sure how to cover the rest except to say that I'm still here to fulfill a purpose... just wish I knew what that was.

Just listening to a song... "Life isn't the breath you take... but the moments that take your breath away"

I'm sitting here realizing howmany frustrations I have in my life right now... issues with family... sexual frustrations... relationship frustrations... where is my life going? why do I need to deal with this???

Oh well... back to work...

8/1/2010

2010-08-01T13:45:00.003-04:00

alone...

That's how i've felt this weekend... I almost feel like everyone was told to leave me alone but i'm sure... well at least mostly sure that wasn't the case... I understand that David is busy with the accounting and conference stuff and you are the same... matt just seemed to check out emotionally... I know he's questioning a lot but there comes a time that just beinging isn't enough. Maybe it's good thing and the Universe has a reson for it and I'll understand later but right I can honestly say some family life and together time would have been nice.

For now I how found a zen space to be in and a good book to finish reading until we head out for davids birthday dinner... then its back home to face a reality that I don't miss. Maybe in time that too will change.

7/23/10

2010-07-23T06:20:00.002-04:00

Feeling out of sorts today. the heat? maybe. the sugar? ya, it's up again. I've emailed my doctor, time for something stronger. Pressure at home? more than I like. I reached out to friends just to say hi. Chatting helped.

have a busy day here at work then an equally busy night tonight. Tomorrow is my great-nieces 4th birthday... we are having a faiery/Tinkerbell themed party... lol... I'm not the tinkerbell type... sl matt seems to feel I fit in with the Radical Faieries of PA... but I don't think that counts... lol So we have 12 kids, all under the age of 10 and 8 adults not counting the 5 of us already there... I'll bury myself doing something to stay out of trouble...

Either sunday or monday I am planning on going over and doing the lawns... it's looking a little ragged again... then monday I'll sweet talk sl david in being there or at least unlocking so I can get that painting done... which will leave just the windows left to do... I have the new flange for the cross.. I have an idea about that brace that we can chat about down the road...

Dad seems to be doing better. His spirits were up last night when we talked to him. but it sounds like he will be there for one more week. I'm looking forward to him getting home the traveling from Springfield to Woodbridge then to Manassas is wearing thin...

Well Sir, I do need to get to work and try to accomplish something today. Have a great time and please give sl matt a hug for me.

In Service and Leather

7/22/10

2010-07-22T11:05:00.002-04:00

It looks like it's going to be a long weekend. I was hoping to do some needed work today at Masters... but I guess with the AC out and no one there that is out. I was looking forward to some service time... I need that time... but now need to wait till next week... :( It's an odd and somewhat disturbing feeling to be away for that long... I've never felt so "out of the loop" so to speak... oh well... at least I have what I need to do the work requested... it will wait till next week...

7/21/2010

2010-07-21T06:49:00.001-04:00

This past week I’ve spent a lot of time looking at and wondering about service and why I have such a different feeling about where my service is. Let me explain…
I’ve always felt it easy to serve my Master by working about the house that I am currently living in… well until lately. I’ve been finding it increasingly difficult to do things there while finding it easier to do things at Masters. I feel that comfort level has a lot to do with it… I’ve come to a place that I feel very much at home at Masters and less as much in Woodbridge…
I’m hitting a block this morning… can’t seem to find the words… just that I do miss you a lot.

test2

2010-07-14T20:53:00.001-04:00

test2

test

2010-07-14T20:48:00.001-04:00

test

7/13/2010

2010-07-13T23:35:00.003-04:00

Transparency...
I blogged about this not to long ago... I so want you to know everything... so after much thought I open my book to you... good and bad...
Fetishes... we all have them.. well I do too... well.. it's not only a fetish but a necessity every now and again... About 10 years ago my diabetes hit a low point. The meds they had me one were not working so they kept upping the dosage all the while not knowing or watching what it was doing to my system. The meds were attacking my bladder. It came to a point that I had to wear Depends on a regular basis... I never knew when I would leak. I've since gotten to a point where I can tell the signs of when I either need to get to a bathroom or make sure I'm protected... long trips are a major issue so I've learned to be protected... But then I started going to the M/s conference ... I met Master Skip Chasey as he gave a workshop on the spirituality of fetishes... I then realized that I'm not alone and that being a DL was OK. So after a discussion on the topic with him I decided to delve into my fetish and truly own it and not be embarrassed or scared about it... what I found was when I get stressed or work gets overwhelming I can relax and let go and return to a younger, more intimate time. I don't wear a lot anymore... maybe once or twice every other week or so... but still need to wear when the sugars get messed up... My doctor told me that it probably will never change and I'll need to use some sort of protection from here on out.
Metal... I love metal toys... sounds, surgical steel is the best... I have a set of four - one inch - anal balls, a 2lb ball stretcher with a ball crusher attachment, wortenburg wheel and my newest is a cock lock intruder... it's a cock/ball ring with a metal bar that goes to a 1 inch ball that is inserted in the anus... it goes in deep enough to just touch the prostrate... it is awesome! I love freezing the anal toys... =)
I've been asked why I need fetishes... i have to say that i have fetishes to take me away from life. the stress goes away and i am allowed to relax, enjoy and just flow with whatever happens. Do I need them? well the Depends I do sometimes... but the metal I could go without... but that leave no outlet for escape... something i definitely need every now and again.
I feel that fetishes are a good thing as long as they are not so overbearing that it takes away from who you truly are.

7/7/10

2010-07-07T21:28:00.002-04:00

a lot going on in my mind lately... but not much to talk about right now... lol ok that made no sense... just like everything that's going on.

To many emotions surrounding Master Jake... I'm so honored... I'm so turned on... I'm so WOW over the play time we had... and yet I'm so confused because of the eroticism and sensuality that he brought to it. Pleased and perplexed...

My meditations this week have run the gambit of self imposed celibacy to transparency in the M/s relationship and back to the what-ifs of different Masters... the most challenging is that of transparency. lol... big surprise! Opening up has always been hard to me. But there are times I just don't feel that you need to be bothered... I know that as a Master/slave relationship it shouldn't be my decision what is important or not... I'm not really sure yet where that line is drawn. While we are here I have come to a realization... Guardian Master is a confusing term for many. While you and I know that you are my Master and everything that goes with that I do believe the Title of Guardian is clearer for those around. I'd love to discuss this further at some time.

Well it's getting late... so off to bed for tonight.

7/4/10

2010-07-04T21:39:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday America!

This weekend... wow... I had such a great weekend...

This whole thing is from the heart and the well...

Sir... slave matt told me today to have a good time with the family... without even thinking I responded "I would but my family won't be there" he looked at me funny, I continued "my family will be here... I will be there there with my folks and the others... but my family and home is here...". I didn't even think about it till on the way to Woodbridge. I always feel so at home and under your control there. You offer me so much.

Master... I was so happy when you rebuked me at the party when I said that if your back was bothering you to not worry about flogging me... you said you wanted to and nothing would stop you. It had been 35 days since you last flogged me... since we last spent that powerful exchange of energy. I'm not sure why but you pushed harder this time taking me to a deeper place. I so wanted it to end but you knew better where I needed to be... I don't know how you knew that because a lot of things have changed since we last had a heart to heart. for one full night I stayed awake and spent in meditation. I needed to recenter my thoughts, feelings, ideas, desires and goals... in doing so I hit a meditation on transparency and you words that rang so loud... how I needed to let go of the past... leave the pain and the hurt behind and live in and for today. To remind myself of this I set this as a mantra to be recited each morning...

"Master, I offer my day and my life to you. my slaveheart is yours to Master. May peace and trust reign in our lives today."

Master... the memories will always be there... that goes unsaid... but I have made a conscience decision to rule over them and not allow them to rule over me. I ask if you see me slipping back to old habits that you stop me please.

The time with Master Jake... ummm... WOW!!! comes to mind... That man has an ability to touch me on levels that few have dared approach. Sir, I have endured pain before but nothing like that which Master Jake offered me and yet I felt so safe in his hands. I knew to the depths of my soul that he would not hurt me. What an awesome feeling and all the while he whispered in my ears how it was arousing him and giving him such great pleasure as he grabbed my hands and led them to his crotch where a waiting bulge was... He kissed me gently and continued exploring my body for different places to apply pressure... and so we danced... as the time began to close our session he made a statement that will stay with me for a long while... as he held me in a particularly painful way he whispered so softly in my ear that if I was his slave to use there would be much more happening here than what had taken place. It stopped me short to say the least...As I recovered from the pain I asked where he learned that technique he spent the next 10 minutes telling me the story of his youth and how troubled he was... it was so awesome to hear of the trials and tribulations that he went through. We then spent over a half hour talking about martial arts and it's correlation with the M/s life choice.

Master I must confess that he holds a very dear and special place in my heart and I value that... If he ever asks to spend time with me please know that I would be honored to. If he is ever in need please be open to giving him my contact information .... I would be honored to assist when I how I can.

As the time hits 11:20pm I find that I better be getting to bed for I need to be at your house by 9am :)

Thank you again Master for all you do and for an awesome weekend~

6/28/2010

2010-06-28T08:55:00.002-04:00

For what was supposed to be a quiet weekend I'm sure glad to be at work to get some rest. Plan was to get some needed house stuff done then go out sunday as a family... well we did but wow... it was just non-stop!

From the Well:
To Listen and to Hear… two words that are so often used interchangeably… but shouldn’t because the mean different things… one can Hear noise or words but very often don’t listen to them. How often have people asked did you hear that bird? You may have heard a noise but didn’t listen to distinguish the sound of a particular bird… what a loss. How many times have you heard the words spoken by a person and still been accused of misunderstanding them? Were you listening to the intention of the words? Some, including myself feel that this happens in writing too.
Last week you said that I worry too much about the future… I agree I do. Do you know why I do? Not many do… My first three Masters that I served weren’t really Masters at all Dominants ok… that they were. They wanted a houseboy, someone to clean, do laundry, do lawn work… that was it. There was no emotional tie allowed… back then I was a servant not a slave as we know it. I was collared… wrongly but collared none-the-less. It wasn’t what I needed or was looking for but not knowing better allowed it to happen… Thus a lot of confusion and hurt. The fourth began by building a relationship and wanting the houseboy aspect too… it worked for a while… but then turned. When things weren’t done to his liking he became abusive… what I then saw as punishment quickly turned to abuse… I was spanked beyond any limits we set… and I was used hard sexually. In one simple term abused. I finally took all I could and took off the collar and gave it back, never to turn and look back. Master #5 went back to the houseboy stuff and that ended quickly… then came Master Larry… well enough said there.
So as I enter this relationship yes I’m going to worry about the future. There’s more to me than a houseboy… You said something when you stood before the family and spoke on May 28th… you said that you saw a need for me to belong … a need to be loved… you were right more than you knew. I’ve served 6 Masters… not one has loved me for the slave that I know is inside.
Slave matt asked if I was ok last week, I told him that I felt lost… I felt like I was in a tunnel with two openings… the one behind me leads to that empty, alone, useless feeling … in front was the sign of peace and happiness, being truly loved as a slave, having that Master that would say from their heart that they are proud to own me as theirs… and I’m somewhere in the middle with no path… Let's face it, I'm 44 soon to be 45 and have yet to realize that which i seek...
In one of my last journals I brought up the notion of a contract… why? To answer questions such as what is the definition of Guardian Master and “slave in service”? What do those terms mean in regards to you and to me? Where is your line drawn between slave and slave in service? What kind of relationship do you envision between yourself and a slave in service? Or is there one?
You stated that I worry too much… and you are right… now do you better understand why I do? In my life and job it is up to me to see the big picture or at least understand the focus of the picture. When I don’t have that I either wander aimlessly or worry. It’s part of who I am.

6/22/2010

2010-06-22T07:43:00.002-04:00

Been away from the computer for a few days... just needed a break from life in general - a lot going on to think about and a lot to do. It's hard to believe I've been here for over a year now things have flown by so fast. As I do my a review for work I can barely believe how much I have accomplished over the 365 day... taking piles of documents stacked on the floor to an organized office complete with a conference space. Electronic logs have been completed and the whole thing maintained. Certified payroll that hadn't been maintained for 2 years has been complied, filed and maintained and the room in a great organized way... bosses are happy and so is my employers!

From the well:
Today I feel a great sense of accomplishment here at work... I walked in to utter chaos and after learning the process and terminology have organized the office to a level they apparently are not used to... it makes me feel real good knowing that I have that ability!

6/16/2010

2010-06-16T10:48:00.002-04:00

Zen! What more can I say... today is a super busy day but through the practice of zenful work I am ahead of schedule and the bosses love it! before they finish asking I hand them the work! talk about antisipitory service! Woof!

I'm looking forward to spending time with Master and the guys... seems like so long since I've seen them...

From the well...

Just watching how a zenful spirit helps get through the hussle and bussle of daily life... wondering why I keep forgetting the practice!

6/15/2010

2010-06-15T07:08:00.002-04:00

The spirits have indeed been quiet these past few days. Being intune with the spirits of those past has been a blessing in many ways but it also leads to questions concerning times of quiet. Where do they go during these quiet times? what do they do? is something else going on that is blocking my being intune with them? Things that make you go hmmmm....

From the well:

Being intune with theings around me is a major factor in my slavery. People ask how I keep up with all the small things that makes my service seem seemless it's just that I am intune with my surroundings... when things are no longer needed or are in the way I get rid of it ... the less confusion the better the experience... or at least that is what I have come to see over the years.

So mindfulness, being intune, being aware... functions that are saught out by Masters? sometimes... but not often ...

6/13/2010

2010-06-13T20:44:00.000-04:00

It's been a wonderful quiet day... only washed 1 rug
ready for the week to start!

6/12/2010

2010-06-12T15:42:00.002-04:00

From the well:

As I sit here Saturday finally quieting down and enjoying the peace that surrounds me I find my mind looking at where I am and what I'm feeling... I wish I could say that it's a comfortable place but it's not.

While I enjoy the family and the service I am still feeling lost and without direction. I realize relationships take time to build. I know I am not one of Masters slaves. I know I'm part of the family. but what does all that mean? Guardian Master? What does that entail? What does Master expect from me? Go over do some work in and out of the house, have dinner, do dishes go home? sounds like a houseboy to me...

I feel like I'm in a tunnel. to my back is lost, nothingness, and empty feelings... in front is warmth, being owned, cherished, a part of a unit that is family. But I stand stuck in the middle with no understanding of what is expected of me... I'm almost there but not... I'm treated as part... but not... is this what limbo feels like?

Where do I belong?

I feel that maybe a contract spelling out where and what I am and Master is might help... naybe that will allow me to view the big picture... and maybe it will clarify where I'm heading... where this relationship is heading... where life is taking me.

6/10/10

2010-06-10T11:35:00.002-04:00

Real busy day at work today... but I like it that way... looking forward to getting out at 2 instead of 3 =) was given the duty of secretary at the MAsT meeting tuesday... so I updated that information along with filing the meeting information... I'm feeling much better about taking on more responsibility in regards to MAsT and other community functions. I do think the year out of the director/secretary/deputy/teasurer chair was a good choice! Master and sl david headed out to SELF today... if all goes well he will return with my vest... things are finally slowing down and I am looking forward to a very quiet weekend at home to catch up on some much needed rest.

From the well:

I've been looking at there things were, where things are, and where I am envisioning things will be... I know that for me this can be a dangerous thing to do. where I've been was a dark point in my journey but one that has lead to a clarity of the journey ahead. I learned the lesson of communication. I've learned that while communication is needed that communication needs to be face to face... and heart felt. there I am is a place of comfort. I enjoy working with sl matt and sl david. I enjoy the comfort of Masters home and I enjoy the peace I feal around Master. Life is good! Where can I see things going... I purposely left doors open... unless things change drastically I can see petitioning Master for a slave position with his house... but not till next year when things are more stable with mom and dad. That is and will be the only thing slowing the process.

6/9/10

2010-06-09T08:30:00.001-04:00

Not a lot to talk about today so I’m just going to the well…

From the Well:
Today’s well is a continuation of last nights MAsT meeting… BDSM in an M/s relationship
As I listened to the group talk about what it meant to them so much resonated with me. We have so little one-on-one time together between work, meetings, appointments and preparing for upcoming stuff every second becomes so important. Things like hugs, a touch or a short chat means the world to me… and when that rare moment comes when we can spend alone time in the dungeon as Master/slave I’m sure it will be as magical as ever…
For me the connection during whatever the scene may be becomes the most important part. The touch of a Master has always been very powerful as well as very sensual… together it does as Master David stated… made us one for that 15 minutes or so…

06/08/10

2010-06-08T11:49:00.000-04:00

Quantum time…
I wonder often how it is that when you are having fun the day goes quick and when you are bored it slows down… Time seems to have its own mind… the same happens every time I enter Master’s home except in the opposite way… when I am “having fun” serving – time slows and I’m allowed to enjoy for longer periods… I know this is all a mind game and that time doesn’t change… so what is it that causes that duality of time?
I venture a guess to be that of energy… not power type energy but that energy of the heart. They say when you are in love time stops… sound familiar? When I serve and do what I love – time stops or slows as the case may be… the universe allows me to revel in that feeling and enjoy every minute of my serving time.

From the well…
From the well today I pull that feeling I get when I am faced with leaving the house after serving for a few plus days… that overwhelming feeling of loss knowing that I have to return to the real time stream or work, family, agitations and frustrations and leave the calm and peace where my heart is happiest… I’ve come to view Master’s house as home… a place of quiet security, safety as it should be… I have no fears there, no worries only peace, love and a full heart through service.
It’s interesting that people ask me why I choose to serve… my answer has always been that it offers a peace a place of zen… then when asked why Master Taino? I’ve come to answer the same thing… he offers a place to serve and a peace that fills the soul… what more do I need….

6/7/10

2010-06-07T10:11:00.001-04:00

As I sit here today after a very full weekend I can’t help but look back at how enjoyable it all was. Friday, even though I wasn’t feeling all that great worked through the feelings and got what needed to be completed done… it was so awesome to see Ms. Khiki and slave jez again. Saturday was a busy but great day! Starting off the day with Master David’s erotic whipping was a great way to start the day, then piercing with Ms. Khiki, next up was the panel discussion on service slaves – we had a great class and good discussion and lastly Mentoring with Ms. Khiki – I really enjoyed that class especially having slave kellie in Florida asking me to mentor him… argh… after a few discussion it comes down to answer his questions and point him in the right direction great… I just don’t have the time for a full mentorship in my life right now… it wouldn’t be fair to him or me. Dinner with Master David and Ms. Khiki, slave justin and everyone was just great… what a great family! Sunday started out early but moved fast. The clean-up/set-up went great and the teamwork we all had worked out just great. I was surprised that Master David chose Sunday to whip me… we had talked a few times about doing a whipping scene “in the future”. Guess his “future” and mine differ in time! But it was very nice and I really enjoyed his work! Lol and still do today… the clean-up went great with lots of help and dinner finished off the weekend on a high! All in all an enjoyable weekend!

This week will be a fairly quiet one in my world… work , work, and more work! But I love it!

I’m going to bring back a segment that I used to have on my blog and for some reason stopped it. It’s called “From the well”.

FROM THE WELL

I usually speak to myself in my blogs, but I feel in this area I can speak directly to you Master.

This area isn’t always easy to write nor I’m sure isn’t always easy to read…

This past weekend I was quietly hoping to be flogged by you… to spend that little bit of one on one time with you… but after seeing how distant slave matt became Saturday with the influx of people in the house I knew that he needed time with you and that was more important . I saw this to be very prevalent Saturday night while assisting in the prep of the meal… he let slave jez know that he was disappearing for some time… then again after dinner he stuck to chatting with justin, jez and the guys and staying somewhat distant… I knew then that it would be best to allow matt the time he needed with you and just keep busy and I was ok with that. I saw matts quietness start again Sunday morning so I opted to just not engage with him… we both went on our ways and did what we needed to do… I watched quietly throughout the day as you spent time with him on and off knowing that’s what he needed but still hoping for some of that time with you. It felt nice to have Master David step in and share some one-on-one time with me Sunday. He filled some of that void that I had longed for back on Friday… and I thanked him profusely for that time however… still missing that “Master time”. When it came time to leave after dinner I knelt before you… you hugged me and didn’t let go… it filled that void that was there… Knowing that over the weekend I had served to my best and was appreciated filled that empty feeling that had welled up…

Something that you may have seen in me or may not have seen… I don’t ask to be played with… for me that is a gift for you to offer. I’ve been asked why I don’t ask for what I want… I suppose it goes back to my upbringing of not begging for something I really want. I was born into a French, Catholic, Military household. Dad was an Aviation Electrician with the Blue Angels for the majority of his career with the Navy. My sister and I were raised such that you could ask once and that was it… there was no begging or whining period. Children were pretty much meant to be seen (and in short spurts at that) and not heard… so begging has never been something done

6/4/10

2010-06-04T07:48:00.002-04:00

This has been a rough week... Monday (memorial day) was spent with family... midway through the hot day we hear CLICK - BANG!!! uh oh! there went the AC unit... so after a quick call to the repair man we learn that the compressor blew... ARGH! Tuesday was fairly uneventful... Wednesday I had a doctors appointment.. back on the Actos for the sugan.. but now they also add high blood pressure meds and high chloresterol med... ok.. makes sense. I picked them up wednesday night and take the three as prescribed.. hmmm no problems yet... 11:pm rolls around... I wake up soaked! legs cramping, stomach cramps, feels like the room is 200 degrees and I can't breath... not a good thing! ended up spending 4 hours in emergency with a reaction to the high chloresterol meds... Thursday I took the day off and slept... Friday has started out ok... I feel a bit better but still not totally right... hopefully things will even out for the weekend. Today after work I report to Master Taino's for the weekend and DC Leather Pride... sitting on a panel with slavette and slave jez... that should be fun especially since we haven't heard whe the outline for the class is... fun fun fun

6/1/10

2010-06-01T06:14:00.002-04:00

It's been one weekend I won't soon forget!

Friday morning I loaded the car and headed to work early... I wanted to get the cake inside because of the heat. got it inside and started to remove the plastic wrap and oh crap... it stuck to the picture... so after a few calls got anne and steve to pick up some frosting and a new picture... got it repaired... whew... left work and headed to Master's for the weekend.

Started to work when I got there.. first on the list was to get the canopy up and secured... with help from David and Eddy we could check that off the list...then dinner with two friends, M Andreas son and another guy... honestly don't remember either of their names... friday night Master asked for my chain collar to measure the new one... so I gave it to him... not knowing that I wouldn't be getting it back...

Friday night was difficult... 8 months around my neck... it was hard to sleep... was up early Saturday morning knowing that I had a lot of prep work to do for the gathering at 4pm... I stayed quiet and worked all day preparing veggies, fish, mushrooms, etc.... I stayed quiet because of the emotions that were flooding my system... doubt, what was I doing again? how soon till I get hurt by another relationship? how was this one going to differ? so many emotions...

I understand better now the separation and cleansing that needed to take place before the new collar was placed around my neck. At 3:30 the first of the guests arrived Sir Ross and slave martha... the other new member of the family! I look forward to getting to know them better!... Ms. Khiki and slave jez arrived next... I love them both! Master Jake and slave laura, Lady Lynette and slave llamb, Mistress Mary and slave chris... and finally Lord Brick and slave lara... that's when the love of a family hit me... such beautiful people... such a great family... and I was soon to be a full member of that family.

Dinner was ready for 6pm as directed... and all went well... salmon fillets, garlic roasted potatoes, veggie kabobs, stuffed portabello mushroom caps, salad, and macarroni salad, hors'derves, munchies, drinks, desert was strawberry shortcake and watermellon... what a feast! Everyone left the table full... what a blessing!

After dinner Master came to the kitchen and asked me to come outside... so I dried my hands and followed... I was reqested to stand behind Master... I knew what was going to happen... was I ready? Master spoke about how I got there... and what we discussed then added that he saw one thing that I needed that wasn't discussed... love... my heart stopped... he understood... I heard him chock up and I could feel his heart and his emotion in accepting me to his family...maybe this would be different... I knelt before him and he placed a new collar around my neck and locked it on... it initially weighed heavy but soon settled in... the family patch and name tag came next... I wish there were proper words to express the warmth and love I felt from so many present in person and present in spirit...

Sir Ross was then brought into the family... not without emotion... part of the ceremony Master passed on his original pair of boots... 20 years of history... and so the Leather tradition continues... Sir Ross earned that leather... what a moment.

we all spent some time just talking... and cleaning up for the festivities to move to the crucible... where I had an awesome time... Master started with slave matt... what a beautiful flogging... then he flogged me... It was a great feeling to have my Master flogg me... what an honor... but then I found I had a dance card... Mistress Mary requested play time and so did Lady Lynette... I barely had time to recoup from the flogging when I offered myself up to Mistress Mary... what an awesome whipping she gave... lick lick bite... bite bite bite... lol... beautiful marks for two days... Woof... but it wasn't over... Lady Lynette was still there patiently waiting... she informed me that her toys were in the car already... but she still had her hands and those nails... wow... she brought me to my knees... what hights she brought me to... but was always there to help me down to a safe place... It hit time to go home... upon arrival I finished up the kitchen stuff and matt made breakfast... then to bed...

Sunday started a new day for me... a new path on the journey... breakfast went well and clean up was a breeze... but as I prepared to leave Master handed me back my old collar... I stopped in my tracks and knew what I needed to do... do after the pictures I asked Master to speak privately... I thanked him for everything he did for me over the weekend... then handed the collar back to him... he asked its origin... I thought for a bit then told him it was security, safety for me... that I didn't need it or want it because what was around my neck now was all the security and safety that I need. He accepted it back... and it was time to say good bye until next friday for DC Leather Pride...

and so "The Journey Continues"

05/28/10

2010-05-28T08:14:00.002-04:00

I head over to Master's after work today for the weekend. I love spending time there if so homelike... so comfortable! didn't get much sleep last night, had to finish the cake... hoping to make it early tonight... but we will see...

not much else going on... except I'm excited about seeing everyone tomorrow!

Mom is home. Got home last night around 5ish... it's nice having her there...

5/27/10

2010-05-27T06:53:00.002-04:00

schedule for Wednesday:
5:00am at work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm at storage unit to find baking stuff and folding tables
5:30pm Dinner
7:00pm BJ and Giants run
9:30pm bed

HAHAHAHA ROFLMAO

Well I got it all done... and added in spending 2 hours in Emergency with mom... I left at 10pm and they hadn't even seen her yet... around midnight a call came in... dehydration... she got a virus of some kind on Sunday and it just took over.

Today I'm exhausted but I still have a lot of work to do... I need to leave early to get the picture done so I can finish the cake... then prep the 4 containers of strawberries and do the veggie stuffing for the mushroom caps (Ms. Khiki and slave jez should enjoy those!)

Topic for today... wow... I guess it's the nerves that have kicked in due to the weekend... happenings... I know it's the start of a small hill in my journey but the first step seems to be so hard. So many questions - am I ready for this? will it work out? Will if fill the desires? will I meet the expectations of Master? will I meet my expectations?

5/26/10

2010-05-26T06:34:00.002-04:00

I had a great time at Master Taino's last night, eddy and I finished the deck in about 1 1/2 hours... it looks great!!! met two great guys that stopped over for dinner... woof! to bad they work for the other side :( lol... just a great evening...

Now to the topic of the day:
This is something that I am revisiting because it seems to still be an issue with me... How do I ask for something that I want? I wish I could pinpoint the reason. I find it impossible to ask to be flogged, to be played with, to be touched... After my last chat about this I found that it has to do in part with the way I was raised... simply to not beg for something that I want... it was just something that one didn't do... even now when I get the feeling that I would like a flogging or whatever the feelings of I shouldn't disturb him with such a little thing, he's to busy, what if he has time planned for someone else? I'm not as important as other's in the house... I realize in typing those how silly they may seem but honestly they are real feelings...

I feel like such a looser writing that... the answer is so simple... just ask... I know that in my head... but my heart rules differently. My heart worries about others more than me. I sometimes wonder about the responsibility of the Master in deciding who plays and when the play happens... I have to be honest, I don't know Master well enough to know his feelings and thoughs about this... a learning curve again... I seem to get stuck in the learning curve relationships... lol it sucks! now there is honesty!

ARGH!!! frustrating!

well time to get some work done!

schedule for Wednesday:
5:00am at work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm at storage unit to find baking stuff and folding tables
5:30pm Dinner
7:00pm BJ and Giants run
9:30pm bed

schedule for Thursday:
5:00am work
2:00pm leave
2:30pm Wegmans to get picture printed
3:00pm home - decorate cake
5:30pm dinner
7:00pm finish cake, prep strawberries for saturday
9:00pm gather cloths and stuff for weekend
10:00pm bed

schedule for Friday:
5:00am work - deliver cake
2:00pm leave
2:15pm to Master's for the weekend

slave paul

A new path

2010-05-25T08:07:00.002-04:00

This weekend starts a new path for me... Service to Guardian Master Taino... I'm beginning to better understand all that is encompassed in that title. Guide, Mentor, Master, Confidant all rolled into one. For me it's a bit harder, I won't be His slave but instead just in service to... I can honestly say I don't know how that will wash out. It leads to a thread on AOS - can a slave be a slave without a Master? is doing so, is serving the community just pacifying the need and desire to serve? I leave open the door to applying for a slave position in the house... it just won't be for a while... There is still healing to occure... my new vest has been ordered ARGH 4-6 weeks... but that's ok... Marvelous Mayhem does great work and he's pushing it through because it's for Master Taino... $175 isn't too bad either! I look forward to having the large patch on the back and the nametag on the front...

I'm looking forward to seeing the family that I am now a part of... Lord Brick, slave lara, Sir Ross, Lady Lynette & slave llamb, Mistress Mary and slave chris, Master David and slave talilia, Master Jake and slave lara... what a wonderful group! and how can I leave out my brothers... david and matt... I wouldn't be around if it were not for their friendship and support...

well time to get back to work...

2009-12-12T17:46:00.002-05:00

As I sit here... with my slave brothers near me, at MTs home... after slowly reviving from a cathartic flogging... still reveling in the emotion and pain... I am home ... I am at peace and i am released... my life went from pain and confusion to pain and peace... the emotions still flow but my path it focused and clear once again... I have been given permission to wear a collar... for me... not for a Master... YET... MT protects me... and my brothers care for me as I care for them all... I am home...

2009-11-26T19:56:00.002-05:00

What to be thankful for...

1. The many friends that are there... the ones that listen and offer great words of wisdom... The ones that just listen...

2. The family that supports even when they don't fully agree

3. Having a great job

4. and I am able to wake up every morning and welcome the day

2009-11-08T07:17:00.002-05:00

Lost - abandoned - unknown - Lost

These are the words that describe where I am right now... I am finding the closure of the relationship hard to work though... I just don't know where to turn anymore...

may clarity come forth from the universe.

2009-11-03T21:02:00.002-05:00

Time has passed and I feel a lot better with things... even though he said I didn't have to return the tags, the family patches and the bandanna I did anyways... his reason for me keeping them was that I earned them... and that is true... I earned what they represented... I keep that in my heart... the rest is just stuff with no meaning anymore.

I know that sounds harsh... but I have vowed to live a more simple life, less stuff! So some of the first stuff to go was stuff that didn't bring good thoughts... honestly it still hurt to see some it... but it is gone... what he does with it is his business.

Work is going great and it was real nice to go to the Scottish Highland games in my kilt and have fun... next year I will wear the Clan tartan from the LaRochelle region of France... it is beautiful!!!

I bought a new ring and a great shirt to go with my kilt... WOOHOO!!!

Enjoying life right now! and loving it!

2009-10-16T20:25:00.002-04:00

I guess it's time to let you all know what is going on...

You've read the poems... you've felt the hurt and pain that I have been feeling. Finally the pain was realized...

On sunday October 11th at approximately 2pm Master Larry released me.

The reason... exactly what I have been feeling... his work and life got in the way of what he chose as life... he felt it was unfair to keep me on when he can't be there as Master...

I knew it was coming... I could feel it... so I was prepared... but it didn't make the hurt any less... One year and 6 months is a long time...

I still hurt, there is still a lot of pain... but time will heal...

2009-10-10T21:35:00.002-04:00

We will probably never understand
all of life's disappointments,
but each disappointment is a chance
to draw closer to yourself -
find your own strengths,
and realize that you can make it
even when the dream shatters.
You begin to see that when one dream ends,
you can always begin to dream again -
and for as long as you can dream,
you can find new places in life,
set new goals, and build a new and
more solid foundation, with new and
better expectations of what life can offer...

With each disappointment you can
better find yourself,
and see more clearly
just how strong a person
you're becoming.

Sharon Davis

2009-10-09T20:02:00.002-04:00

One day at a time -
this is enough.
Do not look back
and grieve over
the past
for it is gone;
and do not be troubled
about the future,
for it has not yet come.
Live in the present,
and make it so beautiful
that it will be worth
remembering

Ida Scott Taylor

2009-10-08T19:05:00.002-04:00

I know this time in your life
is as confusing for you as it is
exciting.
Before, there was a safe path for
you to follow,
and now suddenly there are unfamiliar
curves,
and you're unsure about which way
to go.
I understand your feelings.

I wish there were something I could
say or do to erase your fears,
to lessen your confusion,
but having been there myself,
I know there isn't.

This time is only a bridge you must
cross to get to the other side.
Once there, you'll look back at this
crossing with smiles and laughter,
and with memories you'll cherish
for the rest of your life.

Meanwhile...

Do whatever you can to
make this time in your life
a time to look back upon
as one of the best.

Nancy Sims

2009-10-07T20:02:00.001-04:00

Alone

Lying, thinking
Last night
How to find my soul a home
Where water is not thirsty
And bread loaf is not stone
I came up with one thing
And I don't believe I'm wrong
That nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

There are some millionaires
With money they can't use
Their wives run round like banshees
Their children sing the blues
They've got expensive doctors
To cure their hearts of stone.
But nobody
No, nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Now if you listen closely
I'll tell you what I know
Storm clouds are gathering
The wind is gonna blow
The race of man is suffering
And I can hear the moan,
'Cause nobody,
But nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Alone, all alone
Nobody, but nobody
Can make it out here alone.

Maya Angelou

2009-10-05T19:51:00.003-04:00

This life is yours
Take the power
to choose what you want to do
and do it well
Take the power
to love what you want in life
and love it honestly
Take the power
to walk in the forest
and be a part of nature
Take the power
to control your own life
No one else can do it for you
Take the power
to make your life happy

Susan Polis Schutz

2009-10-01T19:55:00.002-04:00

You are struggling...
I see it,
I feel it,
I hurt for you.
But I must tell you, dear friend,
I believe with all my heart
that you will emerge
somehow wiser, stronger,
and more aware.
Hold on to that thought,
tuck it away in a
corner of your heart
until the hurt melts enough
for the learning to have
meaning.

Sue Mitchell

2009-09-29T18:23:00.003-04:00

Reach for Your Star…

Do not take anything as being forever, because forever is only as long as today.

Know that the people who are the richest are not those who have the most, but those who need the least.

That we are at our strongest when life is at its worst, and at our weakest when life no longer offers a challenge.

That it is wiser not to expect, but to hope, for in expecting you ask for disappointment, whereas in hoping you invite surprise.

That unhappiness doesn’t come from not having something you want, but from the lack of something inside that you need.

That there are things to hold and things to let go, and letting go doesn’t mean you lose, but that you acquire that which has been waiting around the corner.

Most of all…

Remember to use your dreams as a way of knowing yourself better, and as an inspiration to reach for your star.

Nancy Sims

2009-09-28T20:40:00.002-04:00

"And a woman spoke, saying, tell us of Pain. and he said; Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that it's heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain. And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy; and you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields. And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief. Much of your pain is self chosen. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore trust the physician, and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility."

Kahlil Gibran

in retrospect...

2009-09-10T18:41:00.002-04:00

I'm still on a high from the conference and it seems to allow me to look deeper into my past... renewing my surrender to Master has in fact pointed to the errors and wrong turns that I've made... there are so many... the many people that I've hurt, ignored, or damaged in some way or another line the outer circle... I wish I knew a way to rebuild the burned bridges... ... ... maybe I do... an outreached hand ... a hug... an apology... not as much for the action but my shortcomings... my nearsightedness... my ego.

I sit here tonight looking at the flame of a new blue candle... a new start with Master, a blessing in of itself... I know now that I don't deserve it nor am I worthy of his love... I am but his slave

2009-08-26T21:49:00.002-04:00

what a magnificent night spending some service time with the wonderful family of MT ... to think they live so close! I am so ready for the conference... stony is sharing my room and wen will be there too... so many friends! and the chance to serve Master! WOOF!!!

2009-08-19T20:46:00.002-04:00

It's a hard thing to do ... to say good bye to a friend, Master, Guide, Mentor and all around great American Man... Master Jack was all of that and much more... It has been hard knowing that he is so close to where I now live and yet we could never seem to get our schedules together to meet and chat... What a great loss to our community.

Master Jack may you find the peace you deserve as Master of your domain. RIP Sir!

2009-08-13T21:50:00.002-04:00

it's been a crazy day... meetings up one arm and down the other... tons of stuff going on in and out of the department but what a great day!

I love my job and am excited about staying with the group...

2009-08-08T21:58:00.002-04:00

"This life is yours
take the power
To choose what you want to do
and do it well
Take the power
to love what you want in life
and love it honestly
Take the power
to walk in the forest
and be a part of nature
Take the power
to control your own life
No one else can do it for you
Take the power
to make your life happy"

Susan Polis Schutz

2009-08-05T20:33:00.000-04:00

When did striving for perfection not become the most important part?

2009-08-04T19:20:00.002-04:00

When life throws lemons... make a double lemon mojito and throw yourself a party...

(tell the rest to take a hike!)

2009-08-03T20:11:00.002-04:00

We wonder who we are and where we are... and this is an on going question that never has an end... when it does... we die... we have nowhere else to go... nothing else to strive for so we wither and die like a flower that blooms to its max potential then can give no more so it dies...

Let us never be stuck into a title... simply because it locks us in and doesn't give us room to grow... and flourish... be who you are and live it to the fullest...

ya... I'm still here!

2009-08-02T21:20:00.002-04:00

so much going on and so little time to tell you... but when big things happen you need to know... I spent the best two hours with nicest people you want to meet MB and sl came south for some time away and were in the area so sl and I worked out plans to meet for lunch... it was so awesome... being around folks like that always gives me the boost that I need to continue...

I have to admit that I've thought about giving up on where I am... but that has changed...

As long as ML is willing to renew his efforts ... I am... so let's just hope that things can come back together again and a refreshed outlook can be had by all...

2009-07-27T20:35:00.002-04:00

It's been a while... these past couple of weeks have tested every bone in my body... from the highs of going back to Maine for my 25th class reunion to getting in an accident on the way home (15 miles away to be exact) and having the car totaled... add in Stephens mom visiting and a three year olds birthday party... ARGH!!! to say the least life sucks right now!

Besides all of that there is a lot of positives to balance things out... work has been awesome... I love my job and co-workers... what a dream job and to think that in a few months my job will grow to wonderful heights!

just a month and a bit till the M/s conference... totally looking forward to it!

healthwise I am feeling better... I've lost quite a bit of weight and have managed to reign my sugar back under control...

All in all things are great!

2009-07-07T21:38:00.002-04:00

We all live in different times, places and energies...

Forcing one to move place, time or energy only causes unrest...

zen becomes the more preferred path...

2009-07-02T22:34:00.002-04:00

THE CITY OF THE PAST

Life stood with me at the foot of the mountain of youth and pointed to what was behind us. I looked, and beheld a city of strange form and pattern in the bosom of the plains, wherein were images and as¬cending smokes of divers colors. And the whole was veiled in a fine mist, almost obscured from sight.
I said: "What thing is this, Life?"
She answered: "It is the City of the Past. Ob¬serve it well."
And I observed and saw places of work sitting like great giants beneath the wings of slumber. And sanctuaries of words around which hovered souls crying out in despair - and singing in hope. I be¬held temples of religion set up by faith and de¬stroyed by doubting. And minarets of thoughts ris¬ing heavenward like hands uplifted for alms.
Streets of desires flowing like rivers between hills I saw. And storehouses of secrets guarded by silence and plundered by thieves of inquiring. Towers of progress builded by courage and overthrown by fear.
Palaces of dreams that the nights adorned and awakening spoiled. Dwellings of littleness inhabited by weakness; and places of aloneness wherein rose self-denial. Meeting-places of knowledge illumined by wisdom and darkened by folly. Wineshops of love wherein lovers drank, mocked by emptiness.
Stages of life whereon Life plays her piece; to which Death comes to end his tragedy.
That, then, is the City of the Past. A city far off, yet near; seen and unseen.
Then Life walked before me and said: "Follow me, for we have tarried long." And I asked:
"Whither now, Life?" She answered: "To the City of the Future." Said I: "Have pity, for the journey has surely wearied me, and my feet have trodden stones, and obstacles have drunk my strength."
"Come, for only the coward tarries, and it is folly to look back on the City of the Past."

Kahlil Gibran speaks so loudly when he is so quiet... As I journey this winding road I feel almost lost... I seek and do not find, I ask and no one hears and I and it is not noticed or appreciated... so I seek acceptance and love...

for those that read this Please don't take this literally...

2009-06-26T20:43:00.001-04:00

testing 1,2,3
Testing !,2,3

Is this thing on????

Hellooooo!!!

pop pop pop.....

hey techie... make this thing work will ya????

PLEEEEAAAAASSSSSSSSEEEEEEE??????????

2009-06-13T21:28:00.001-04:00

haven't been keeping this as up to date as I really like... just not into writing right now... hopefully things will quiet down soon.

Hugs to everyone!

2009-06-10T21:57:00.003-04:00

A Wonderful time and place to be! Last night I attended my first MAsT Washington DC meeting... there were 8 of us there at the Playbill Cafe! but the quality and transparency of the group was just amazing... and Master Taino was so welcoming!

He is a wonderful man! He wouldn't hear of my taking the metro to springfield! in fact he said I do believe you work in my back yard... and in fact I do! Too cool!

I was instructed that each month on MAsT night I am to call him, then go to his house after work and we would travel together...

I feel so at home here... so welcomed into the community... a good feeling considering what I left in Maine... I'm sure there are those clicks and small issues... but the atmosphere is very different as a whole!

Topic - Longevity in an M/s relationship... we talked about the challenges and how being authentic we so important... I brought up communication and how it has helpped me out in my journey...

I look forward to next month!

This weekend..... PRIDE!!!

2009-05-29T19:14:00.002-04:00

no blog for a while.... I know... yada yada yada.... hehehe

some good news happening... first... we welcomed a new member of the family... Blake Stephen Jackson 8lbs 7.5oz little boy... he's so cute! congrats! Robert and Holly... so yup... I'm a great uncle again!

More good news... Work is going great... I've already accomplished a major project and have received a big at-a-boy from my Managers boss... My manager was extremely happy and told me that this could be a long term relationship that will benefit everyone! My manager is already talking security clearance... that is a good sign! I have to say that I really love my job!!! what a great change of pace!

The move... well it's almost over... Bissons movers have rebated me over $1200 for screwing this up so be... I'm happy with the outcome...

Master Taino seem excited that I'm ready to jump in to the community and see what is going on in the real world... I look forward to the MAsT Meeting!

So all in all it's going great!

A new start

2009-05-18T21:05:00.003-04:00

I know it has been a while since the last entry... my life has been anything but quiet and serene enough to write even the littlest and shortest of thoughts... but finally I am at a place to start re-looking at where my life is going... we are now in Woddbridge... happy? I honestly don't know yet there is still a lot of settling in to do... our stuff won't be here till thursday... the last days at the house in Lisbon Falls were particularly hard... I kept myself very busy so as to not allow myself time to think to much... tomorrow starts a new chapter in my life... I start my new job with the ACOE... I'm excited, scared, apprehensive, all rolled into one... I look forward to the challenge...

I now know why I don't have and/or want kids... as I sit here at 9pm all I hear is top of the lung screams from a 3yo and a 2yo... And I need sleep! being up before the crack of dawn doesn't help!

Ah ... only to live a life without challenges!!!

2009-05-10T20:41:00.003-04:00

an update.... the house is still on the market....
Packing 85% done...
sanity - gone
emotions - high
stress - through the ceiling!
scared - yup
uneasy - yup
unknown - way too much

will I be ok... most definitely.... but it will take time

2009-04-28T15:24:00.002-04:00

Day 1 Year 2

wow can you believe it? a year has passed already...

Current stats:
moving to DC - yes
Starting new job - not yet... getting closer
collared - nope
tagged - yes
happy - very

what more needs to be said!!

2009-04-26T22:00:00.002-04:00

33 years comes to a close... T-18 days and counting... the house is full of boxes... the garage is overflowing too... it's bittersweet to say the least...

Today I am sore head to toe... and tired to boot...

Tomorrow... the sign is posted in the front!

and it comes to an end!

2009-04-20T19:31:00.002-04:00

I couple of weeks ago I sent Sir a letter asking him to be more emotionally connected with me... I was feeling disconnected from not only the family but Master too...

there has been a lot of stress and issues here at the house.... from movers to real estate personnel to Moms going in for a pace maker... then there is the job hunt, the house hunt and packing..... Whew!

a couple of days ago i wrote in my blog a great poem called Footprints... seems I seek support when things are low.... but as I looked back I find that during my low times Master was there for me... supporting, assisting, and giving me the love I needed... I was just to close to see it... indeed during those low times... Master did carry me... thus only one set of footprints....

My lesson... when you can let go... and let Master be the MASTER... amazing things will happen

2009-04-19T19:47:00.002-04:00

Back to reality? or Normality? hmmmm.... to which did I return? Reality... the work, the stress, the life in the way syndrome.... ya... Normality? hmmm..... Safety, comfort, security, centered... focused... that is home...

2009-04-13T09:45:00.002-04:00

Finally... some much needed down time! last week was way too busy but was well worth the effort... many people were touched by the music and the extra effort of the music ministry... and hey the pay will be nice too! hehehe!

After Mass yesterday morning I headed to Twin Ponds lodge in Albion Maine... I had booked a cabin for an overnight... what great fun to enjoy time without the confines of cloths with other naked men!.... yummy!

I'm gonna miss this place.... I'll need to find a place like this down in the DC area!

2009-04-08T20:43:00.000-04:00

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with his Master. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the Master.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him and He questioned his Master about it. Master you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.

The Master replied, my precious, precious slave, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.

Ok so I didn't write this... but it needed to be said...

The Frailty of Life

2009-04-04T10:35:00.000-04:00

Ok I know I haven't posted in quite a while.... there is so much going on right now that it's hard to focus. I titled this blog the Frailty of Life because someone very close almost lost theirs... For the past couple of weeks mom has been very tired... and doing more coughing than normal... she chalked it up to allergies! tis the season she would say... and the being tired was due to the move and the packing and the house repairs all tied into one... well this week got to be a lot worse! Tuesday mom and I had a few things to do at church... so we went... and I noticed she was sitting more than usual... finally she said "we need to go home" so we went... she got to the kitchen and said "get a chair" ... I knew then that something was really up... she used her nebulizer and that seemed to help... so she went upstairs and went to bed... Wednesday morning she was weak... so she called the PCP and made an appointment... that afternoon 2:00pm. Dad opted to stay home and do the laundry... so I took mom to the appointment... we no sooner got in but they took her to a room... a nurse followed her in... they did an EKG... the nurse left and returned... another EKG... the nurse left and three people returned with her... yet ANOTHER EKG! after a few minutes of no action a nurse came out and sat next to me... Paul, she said... we've called the Ambulance for you mom... they are taking her to emergency... at this point my hands started to shake... and my heart started beating hard and fast... What was going on kept running through my mind... they got mom stabilized and then allowed me to go back... the doctor was right there... he pulled me a side and explained that mom didn't have a heart attack... but her pules was extremely low... a normal heart rate is between 60 and 80 bpm ... mom was hovering around 34... and that they couldn't do anything there so it was best to have her go to emergency... and that it wasn't safe for me to drive her... Ok! on the phone... i knew I couldn't tell dad... he would have flipped out on me... so I called my sister ... she could always talk to dad and make him understand the situation.... so after what seemed to be 30 minutes I head out to the hospital... they run a few tests ... then have a cardiologist run a few more... I thank the Universe for the fact that there was no damage done to the heart itself... seems that the human pace maker had a short... the top of the heart was beating at 60 bpm but the bottom only at 20 bpm so her being tired and coughing was due to the lack of oxygen to the brain... the cardiologist stated that had she not gone in for the cough she would not be here with us now... OMG! Like I needed to hear that! by this time my sister had made arrangements to get dad there... and he had just arrived...

So, after about 30 phone calls ... and around 4 hours... they decided to keep her and move her to ICU... the decision was made that mom would get a pacemaker in the morning. this now being 7pm at night... dad and I got all the information we needed and kissed her goodnight and went home... after a light dinner... and a few more phone calls... I fell apart... totally... but I needed that release and felt much better after... The following morning as instructed we called, spoke with moms nurse... we almost lost her four times he explained... everytime she would go into a deep sleep her heart rate would bottom out to the 20's... OH FUCK I thought to myself!!! we also were calling to find out the time she would be going in for the operation... well in about 30 minutes we were told.... she was already in pre-op... they told us not to come till 11:30am.... well at 10:15am we get a phone call... it was mom! she went through the operation with no problems and was feeling 100% better already... dad and I packed up and went to visit...

The game plan decided on after speaking to the Doctor was she was going to rest the day... the following day she would have a chemical stress test... ok... that made sense! so day three arrives... 6am mom is woken ... off to the tests... mind you... no breakfast yet! the give her the stuff to drink... hmmm empty stomach, chemical... yup you guessed it... a bad headache and vomiting soon reared it's head... but they did get the test done... after they stopped the vomiting, instead of letting her rest ... they take her to the stair test... up 3, turn, down three... ok... now mom is overtired... still nauseous and hurting head to toe... they get her back to the room ... but the idiots stop at the door... and have her walk to the bed... WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING??? Mom lays down... they go to lift her to the middle of the bed... and the ass uses her RIGHT arm... ya.. the one they just did surgery by... put her in some major pain... when dad and I went to visit that night don't you think I reamed a few new ass holes!!! They decided that with as weak as she has been it would be best to keep her one more night.... NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!

This morning dad called at 8am ... she was just getting ready for breakfast... she sounded a lot better and says she feels a lot better... they have her programmed in at 76 BPM and she hold between 74 and 80 steady... You go Mom!!! we find out today what will be happening... well need to get some work done...

2009-03-23T17:58:00.002-04:00

Needs, desires, Wants, Wishes.... all part of belonging to... ever think of it in those terms? I have been... I've found that belonging to someone and being a part of something carries its own set of wants, desires, needs and wishes... I had always thought that my needs and desires would be the same... lol... wrong! each relationship brings it's own package of stuff with it...

feeling kinda down today... lots going on with the house and the business and everything else ... It's hard to focus on things... but I am finding that some needs need to be met... zen, quiet and space are some that I've been avoiding... and it's not a good thing!

2009-03-22T16:09:00.002-04:00

a quiet down day! lots of good stuff happening...moving is happening soon! looking forward the change and the challenge... Jobs are looking better and better and that feels good... the move is on track and the house is almost ready to sell... things are looking good! and that's a real good thing!

2009-03-20T19:26:00.002-04:00

not with the program today feeling yucky... but had to forget it and just push through... and now I'm feeling the effect.... gonna tack something to settle the stomach and then a good nights sleep... tomorrow will be better!

2009-03-18T18:12:00.002-04:00

Time.... where has it gone? now that the funeral is over and everyone has gone home and the house is somewhat back to normal... we are heading back on track of painting and packing... I took a couple of days to just regroup from the hubbub... but I'm back ... The house has been appraised and it came in a bit lower than expected but it's still on the good side.... 156,000.... so now to finish the refinancing and the house will officially be on the market! The official move is scheduled for the end of April! wish us luck.... we're gonna need it!

2009-03-11T18:23:00.002-04:00

been a while since I posted... a lot happening around here in the past couple of days... we are now prepping the house for an inspection on Tuesday and Realtor walk through next Thursday.... so a lot of storage, cleaning, staging and other things have taken over every part of me.... because now is the time for uber organization... and thats a trick when you have two parents throwing stuff in boxes! lol

But I look forward to the next few day.... the final days of winter.... soon spring and all it's wonders.... the newness of life and that special green that you see only once a year.... and with the grace of the universe a new start for me, mom and dad!

2009-03-05T15:28:00.002-05:00

Applications, job, interviews, resumes, applying.... ARGH!!!! ok... it's not that bad... in fact it's kind of fun! just thinking about te change of pace and a steady paycheck... that's even better!

Been working on a project for Master and SS... 1999 trivia! woohoo! music, movies, fads, headline news... clothing... you name it! it's fun!

Been reading a few slave-only groups for insight on topics... what I've found is that the majority of slave still feel that there is a "goal" to be reached... someone always "better than" that should be emulated... when I read these I am always brought back to a saying by Judy Garland... "Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else."

In short - stop trying to be something your not... be human... be proud of being a human... enjoy your life as a slave - be honest and transparent and lastly ... enjoy what life brings you!

2009-03-03T19:53:00.002-05:00

a new phone .... a new phone.... woohoo!!! got me a Samsung alias... multi flip... can flip like a standard phone then like a text phone... has a full keyboard... no more multi clicking.... I love it so far! takes getting used to...

not much else going on... except that Master and slave sis are home from SPLC! safe and sound! yays!!! maybe next year can go with them....

2009-02-28T11:42:00.002-05:00

A busy week and a busy day! Moving looks closer and close each day! I am so looking forward to this change! Things are going ok here at the house... stress levels are a bit high but not high enough to worry about.... they've been a lot worse... Master and sb are in Dallas for SPLC... oh how I'd love to be with them right now!!! I do hope they take time to have fun... they deserve it! well... time to get ready for church! and the pending snow storm coming in! ARGH!

2009-02-25T18:59:00.002-05:00

wow... it's been a while... not sure why... I know why! Monday was the storm... power outage and all that fun stuff...tuesday was shoveling at church, funeral at 11 and decorating for lent after... today was Ash Wednesday mass, an 11am funeral and errands after.... ARGH! busy busy busy!!! anyway... things are going... forward I do believe! not much else to say... except... happy ash wednesday... 40 days to Easter

2009-02-21T19:10:00.002-05:00

Ever just sit and wonder how many lives you touch in a day? I tried that today... I stopped at 500... ya... it is interesting how just waking up and telling someone "good morning" has a ripple effect... I played mass at 4pm tonight... a little over 300 people touched in some way by my music... while driving I stopped for some people at a crosswalk... they thanked me for stopping... the people in the store that I went to... that I said hi to... the smiles I got back... what an awesome thought that me... the slave from Maine... could affect so many lives... even tonight while chatting with a friend in London... who needed a little TLC... just my telling him a bed time story... made his day better... such a small thing...

2009-02-20T18:44:00.002-05:00

It's been a few days since my last post... time, work, packing and house repairs got in the way of deep philosophical thought... but through all the work and all the hubub my service to Master stood strong ... I found that taking "Master time" - sitting quiet with the blue HSL candle burning... is just enough to remind me that what I am doing is for one special person... Master! What a wonderful reason to be!

2009-02-17T18:11:00.001-05:00

Today I post a thought from my dearest friend and slave sister...

"If you stop to be kind you must swerve often from your path - keep swerving friend!"

gives one a lot to think about doesn't it...

2009-02-16T17:49:00.002-05:00

Sunday in my week review that I do for Master, I spouted off about some stuff dad has been doing... Let me start from the top...

We've been packing and fixing things up in preparation of the move... so I've been doing a lot of hole patching, painting, repairs... things like that... Well dad, being the overly helpful type that doesn't tend to finish what he does or do finish work... decided that the guest bedroom closet needed to be taken apart and re-built! even though it didn't! So he pulled out 4 shelves and relocated the cloths hanging bar... up about 15 inches... well... we live in a house built in 1911 ... the house has settled... (when we moved in in '76 we jacked up the second floor 2 1/2 inches... ya... it settled! lol... over time things were built with the crookedness in thought... door jams are not 90 degrees anymore... so in putting things back in he decided to use a level to put it in... well.. ya just can't do that... you open the door and visually it was a mess...

He just doesn't see that doing things like that make selling this place even harder... it's all rush rush rush with him... so after a discussion of doing things slow and right the first time... I took all of sunday to pull everything out and redo it correctly...

Which leads me to something Master wrote back... on how babies need our time and attention... then they grow to teens... they then need attention... but don't want to have to ask for it... then they get older... and no longer need the attention... but as time progresses... that need for attention returns...

While I could have blasted dad out of the water and yelled and belittled him... I keep in my mind that he is my father... no matter how forgetful, no matter how biggoted and no matter how hurtful he can be and sometimes is... he is still my father and deserves that respect...

So it seems that life truly does go in a big circle... and we travel that circle at different rates... but we travel it together ... and hopefully with respect for the other travelers!

2009-02-14T13:18:00.000-05:00

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Need I say more?

.

2009-02-13T20:10:00.002-05:00

A day for me? I was ordered to take a day for me... and yet I seemed busier than if I had done the usual... lol.. it don't figure - what was very different was that I was out of the house enjoying the weather and accomplishing small things like a trip to LL Beans... a shopping trip to s. portland with a stop at whole foods in portland... then a trip to the bank and then some cooking fun... it ended up a fun day as a whole and was nice to just get out of the house and away from the computer... a welcome change! My next "vacation" will be sunday into monday February 22nd to the 23rd up at the lodge... This week will be a busy one with the holiday on monday!

To everyone that reads this... HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

2009-02-12T19:35:00.002-05:00

Fetishes galore! Just for the fun of it today I decided to look at fetishes ... so being a Virgo I started with a list... I was somewhat surprised at the list that just flowed on the paper... I then went back and rated them 1 for not important to 10 very important...

one of the things I found was what I considered a fetish... some may not consider some of my items a fetish... again a situation of we all have our own levels of fetish...

While I know that we are all friends here and that this is a private blog... I don't totally feel comfortable listing everything here... but here are a few:
Leather, PVC, Chain, whips, paddles, being naked, gentle touches, rope, suspension of all kinds!, electricity, ice... ok... that's as far as I'm going here... lol...

But for the fun of it my friends... do this little project... learn about yourself!

2009-02-10T18:15:00.003-05:00

On slavery and individuality....

Interesting topic ... I somehow got to thinking about this today amidst the craziness that is work and life... I've been in contact with some special slave friends over the past couple of weeks... not for any particular reason just to connect... some of my slave friends contacted me and I in turn contacted others... what led me to blog was the need I have settled in to for networking amongst slaves... how we feed off each other and support each other in times of need... what a wonderful thing to see! But then I wonder how a Master, Lord, Sir or Dominant sees a networking such as this? Could it make Him/Her uneasy and a bit scared of the slave not needing the Master as much due to the contact with the network?

Some good topics of discussion... is a slave to give up or lessen the connectivity of the slave network to solely focus on the Master? Do Masters knowingly and/or unknowingly busy their slaves so that they don't have the time to network with other slaves? Could the slaves opening up to transparency with their Master also open the slave to a need to belong?

2009-02-06T18:38:00.002-05:00

There's a lot of "stuff" going on right now so focusing on one thing or one topic is hard... just a few fleeting thoughts...
Ideas on Death and dying - Thoughts on fetishes - thoughts on commitments - thoughts on moving - thoughts on jobs - thoughts on parents - thoughts on obedience - thoughts on service.... many thoughts... not enough time to write...

More on this later!

2009-02-05T18:20:00.002-05:00

looks like the weekend will be as busy as the week has been. I have a 9am funeral in Sabattus and an 11am funeral at Holy Trinity... a quick lunch then back to church for Mass... Sunday I have a logo meeting at 9:30am... then a quick print job to do for Monday... My room has been fully patched and is awaiting a sanding... the kitchen has been patched along with the den... I have the living room to finish the living room and hall... As soon as I get my income tax refund I'll get paint and start the painting... I'm lucky that next week is a slow week on the work front... the the basic stuff and payroll... the rest will be spent with with house duties...

Where have I been all this mess? Amazingly stable! I've learned a lot about myself... not too long ago the stress of everything going on would have push me to a breaking point but through anger management practices I've been able to refocus the stress into organized chaos!... lol I mean organized service... and yes my humor still plays a huge roll in my keeping stable...

2009-02-03T17:27:00.002-05:00

It's wonderful how free one feels when cleaning out! Today I was able to get rid of 2 large green garbage bags of shredded paper work from 1985 to 2003 - lots of bank stuff and private information... I also cleaned out another full bag of non shredded stuff that could just go... all my other miscellaneous paper work has been filed and ready to travel! the basement is packed and ready to go ... the glassware is out on big metal racks ready to be packed... and all is looking good... I am about half way done the house inventory book... a little over 400 pictures all with descriptions... what a monumental undertaking that thing is!!! In the sorting I have come across many small things that bring s back wonderful memories! Oh! and the best thing... I might have a buyer for the Graphic Arts business... there is still a lot to discuss and legal stuff to wade through along with discussing the whole thing with my business partner.... from my point of view it would be a major asset to my partner to accept the proposal... he would come out ahead and much more satisfied on the financial side of things... not much else going on... tonight I continue to sort and pack!

2009-02-02T21:28:00.002-05:00

It's been a very long and busy day starting at 4am with a wake up call to the Master... and just now (9:30pm) slowing down enough to even put a random though on the blog page... but it is nice to see the many bags of shredding and garbage ready to go... life has been good ... I have no complaints... the taxes are done and the return is good... a lot better than I expected... even with the home business! So I am off to get some sleep!

2009-01-30T16:17:00.002-05:00

To love or serve - or - to love and serve... can they exist in an M/s relationship? I'm not so sure they can... when I speak of love in this blog I am speaking not of the sexual part but of the emotional attachment... I do believe there can be a relationship, an attachment but for me the term love brings out an idea of partner - equals... but I do wonder if there is a possibility of "love" in all it's terms to exist in the M/s reality?

2009-01-29T18:08:00.002-05:00

Not an inspiring day to write about... too much snow... (another 9.5 inches)... another storm next week (wednesday) and did mom and dad's taxes.... tomorrow I start mine... personal side first... then business side... besides that... I'm just here!
not much else to say!

2009-01-28T11:30:00.000-05:00

"Sometimes we would question our teachers: "Isn't dirt as holy as clean?" "Isn't sound as sacred as silence?" And they would explain: "We don't clean in order to clean. It is a way of practicing respect for things. More simply, it is a way for us to spend time together, and spending time together, we realize our interconnectedness, Outherwise we take things for granted."

"When we clean we begin to appreciate how things are there for us, supporting us, encouraging us, and when we appreciate things we appreciate ourselves and one another. So to respect the floor or the ground is to respect ourselves. This is how we develop intimacy and connection. Although everything is one, you will not understand what that means unless you practice it. When you clean, you experience the oneness. You relaize everything is helping you."

"Not concerning yourself with the care of things may, on the surface, seem to be desirable but, in this context, it is considered lazy and self-centered, as if you are trying to exist apart from things. That's one of the reasons you feel disconnected and unsupported."

~Sweeping Changes Discovering the Joy of Zen in Everyday Tasks
by Gary Thorpe

I've been reading this thread on AOS with much interest… I just spun around in my desk chair looking at my room only to find packing bins everywhere, nothing on the walls, plaster that needs sanding, walls that need painting and general disorder… I walk out of my rooms to find the rest of the house in the same state… selling a house of 32 years and moving five states away … what a dream time for me as a service slave! I revel in making lists and keeping things on track… I really do appreciate what Gary Thorpe says about the respect of the things … the walls the floors… the ceilings… they are there for us… for my protection and security… so my taking the time to patch and repaint serves to give back to them for what they do for me… what a great base for my service orientation!

Thank you for posting this slave lara!

DC Gay Men's Chorus sings with Josh Groban

2009-01-26T21:56:00.001-05:00

Congratulations Guys! First Gay Chorus to sing at an inauguration~!

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2009-01-26T19:34:00.002-05:00

I must dare say that being a Virgo and doing this move is a wonderful combination! I love to make lists!!! lists, lists, lists..... everywhere!!!! LISTS!!!!
Let's see... today was set to establish a timeline list- draw up a furniture list - draw up a china/crystal/bell collection/vase list and finally to draw up and begin the contact process for movers list... WOOHOO!!! I'm in pig heaven! oh and I also started taking photos of all the stuff to make a catalog of the house stuff... good for moving and insurance!

On a different note... CONGRATULATIONS to Master Bob and slave dorothy for their SW Title win! You Rock!!!

and lastly on a sadder note - my prayers and good thoughts go out to Master Jack who is in the hospital in Phoenix.. may you have a speedy recovery!

ok... it's off to read before I find something else to list out... hehehe!

2009-01-23T18:06:00.002-05:00

I sit here tonight in pain... no not physical but emotional pain... a dear friend that lost his job has also been "dismissed" by his owner. Note the use of the small "o"... along with being in pain for him I am angered at the actions of the owner... shall we say it's like kicking a horse when it's down!!! Here is a wonderful, extremely insightful man that lives only to serve that is down on his luck due to the economy.... and without discussion or reason dismisses him... not even formally and in person but through the media (phone or email - whichever it still sucks)...
Crushed, hurt, lost, abandoned... words that I'm sure express his current feelings.... To him... please know that my heartfelt sympathy goes out to you...